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Tears of Mehndi: Book Review

“Tears of Mehndi” by Raminder Sidhu

Book Review by Wendy Aujla

“Tears of Mehndi” is Raminder Sidhu’s first debut novel that explores the tight-knit community in Vancouver’s Little India.

Raminder opens up the dialogue around the social issues that some South Asian’s encounter when caught between two cultures and struggling to follow Indian traditions while embracing the values of the Western culture. This novel is written in a unique way, where the reader is introduced to characters that are searching for their dreams and happiness in Canadian society. The painful stories of the eight fictional women are shared as the author intertwines their lives by weaving one story into another which is not an easy task. The eight women each have unique names where the meaning is provided for the reader to follow their personal story, for instance, Satinder – Truth, Gian – Wisdom, Asha – Hope, Roop - Beauty and so forth.

Nonetheless, Raminder connects the stories of the eight women and others to further highlight how women outside of the circle seem to have some sort of input on their lives. Thus, there are multiple perspectives to what happens in the women’s lives especially with the challenges each one endures. Raminder also weaves in numerous diary entries where each woman writes reflections on their life experiences. The diary entries signify how the women are silently suffering with the unwritten rules of the culture which are to not share their “dukh sukh” (dukh – suffering, sorrows, grief or pain, sukh – happiness, peace and well-being). Thus, the women in the novel hide their emotions from those around them.

As each story is revealed, the characters come to life as the narratives are ones that almost every reader has heard of or can relate to on a personal level. I commend Raminder for acknowledging how women from some South Asian communities are often the perpetrators or another woman’s worst enemy when their lives are leaked into the community. Some South Asian women Raminder introduces us to feel the need to disrespect other women, are more likely to point fingers at other women and in turn they seem to think highly of themselves. However, the gossiping nature of the women depicts how they are secretly living miserable lives where they feel at ease chattering about others. This habit also allows the women to hide their own problems under the carpet.

Furthermore, I appreciate how Raminder has included sections in the novel where the women attend the Gurdwara (Temple) on Sundays, a place of worship, but when not praying for sons they are found gossiping amongst each other.

 “No Gossiping Zone, Prayer Only. P.S. No praying for sons!” (p. 117).

It is interesting to hear Raminder’s view on what happens in the Gurdwara especially the “langar hall” (communal kitchen) where the women are preparing and serving “langar” (vegetarian meal). The women seemed involved in doing “seva” (selfless service) even though they appear so distant from the values and beliefs of the Sikh religion.

Raminder also briefly mentions how the Gurdwara committee is organized of Sikh men. “Since Prakash Kaur’s husband has become the president of the gurdwara committee, she’s become so bossy. What an attitude! She thinks she’s the maharani of the gurdwara!” (p. 44). I was hoping the author would elaborate on this passage. Mainly to highlight how women are at a disadvantage and not serving on the Gurdwara committee’s which are usually comprised of Sikh men. The core principles or foundation of Sikhism is based around equality of humanity regardless of one’s caste, color, class, culture and gender. However, in spite of this suggestion, Raminder does touch on caste and gender discrimination which I highlight below.

Raminder attempts to separate the cultural practices from the religious beliefs to some extent. Throughout the novel she focuses on the discussions the women are having amongst each other around suitable marriages and the value of sons. Particularly the cultural celebrations that surround the birth of sons (e.g. giving out of sweets such as Ladoos. And engaging in celebrations like Lohri) in comparison to the shame that surrounds having daughters. The author shows how women are devalued as wives/daughter-in-laws due to the external pressures to give birth to only males which allow them to gain status in the family. Having a girl is considered “unlucky” and having a boy means the family’s name is carried on. Raminder also mentions how some South Asians are determining the sex of their children ahead of time to make arrangements to abort the fetus.

This is also done to avoid the idea of shame and the possibility of being disowned by the family, but also the community. However, this practice of disclosing the gender of the baby is unacceptable, but unfortunately some South Asians will go to the extent of crossing the Canadian-American border to visit private clinics to find out. Raminder also makes a point to show how women are blamed for the birth of daughters through the character Dharam – Faith who says that “people are so ridiculous. They don’t understand it’s the male who determines the gender of the fetus, not the female” (p. 212). It is common in some South Asian cultures to hear of women being blamed by other women, especially mother-in-laws who expect grandsons.

Other characters in the novel, such as Preet – Love, are used to blatantly question gender differences by making bold statements like “…what’s so bad about girls, Aunty? You’re a female” (p. 54). The fictional stories in the novel are used to challenge the cultural attitudes around the birth of daughters. What if a girl is born, why is the birth of a girl to be a sad mourning event without announcements rather than the elaborate celebrations that occur for a boy? Aside from the inequalities of a girl versus a boy, Raminder also challenges the differences between a man and woman doing wrong and how the punishment is usually not the same. It tends to be quite severe for women.

Furthermore, in the novel the reader is reminded of the importance or value placed on an arranged marriage (as love marriages seem to be unacceptable), but also the traditional ceremony customs (brothers or male cousins circling around the Guru Granth Sahib (Holy Scripture)/practices (dowry exchanges which can lead to abuse) that are unnecessarily being followed.

In addition to this the idea of marriage, the concept of caste system is represented by so-called acceptable marriage proposals, where the person is to be from the same background or class. This is best shown through the character Jasveer – Courage who is crying when she thinks of the “rules to a love marriage.” “According to [her] parents, one was allowed to find a suitable partner as long as the potential mate was a Jat Sikh. Not only did Jessy (Jasveer) have to marry into our religion but the boy also had to be from the farming community in Punjab. For some reason, these practices still held relevance for some Indo-Canadians.”

Author, Raminder Sidhu

However, based on what Jasveer was taught in Punjabi school her views were contradictory to the culture. Sikhism “Guru Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, considered all people to be equal, regardless of caste or gender. And as firm believers of the faith [she was] to adhere by these principles.” Despite what the religion says, her parents were concerned with the community’s reaction and losing their face if they were to marry her to a lower caste boy.

In their own words, they state “[p]eople are going to think there is something wrong with you and no one else would marry you, so we had to reduce ourselves to their level.”

Jasveer’s father was so concerned with status, above all his own reputation in the community and he did not “want anyone to think [he] didn’t do all [he] could for [his] daughters.” He would be the one “ashamed” if Jasveer were to marry outside of caste (p. 101).

It is also through the remarks of another character Dharam – Faith, that the reader hears how stuck people are on caste as she says, “[e]veryone thinks they’re Jat. No one cares about that stuff anymore! Even people in India are far more advanced in their thinking now” (p. 201-202).

Thus, Dharam – Faith, similar to Jasveer – Courage rebels against the idea of having to marry within the same caste and does not believe in the rank classification (division of higher and lower castes). In my opinion, caste system should be discarded as it has no place in society.

We should follow what our Guru’s preached a casteless society and to not think that you are more superior or inferior to another. A person’s occupation seems to be used to refer to “caste” in the some South Asian cultures and if this is the case then does an individual’s profession not have the potential to change over the life course? Furthermore, I would argue that if a family can be content with their child wanting to marry someone he or she has selected, despite the caste issues that are manmade, then they are less likely to fall victim to the community’s negative reaction.

Other characters are troubled by marital affairs; want to avoid forced marriages and hope for acceptance of cross-cultural/inter-racial marriages. Some women escape unacceptable marriages where verbal and physical abuse from their husbands or in-laws was present. However, women are denied the opportunity to file for a divorce since it is forbidden in some South Asian cultures.

As Preet – Love, writes in her diary entry, her mother-in-law insisted that she stay with her husband regardless of his weaknesses as that is what other women in the culture would do. “She told me to make the best of the situation. She knows very well I will not leave. Where will I go? We Indian girls never return home once we are married since there is no greater shame for a parent than to have a divorced daughter move back in with them. A husband who has no respect for his wife is far better than no husband at all” (p. 65). Women like Preet – Love, are coping by trying to find happiness in their marriage.

At the same time the stories illustrate how the women are protecting themselves, their family and children from harm. Raminder analyzes the violence and murders that have been happening in some South Asian communities. She also brings forward the negative influence of alcohol and drugs on some South Asian communities, but also the threats of suicide that are uttered by characters who feel hopeless. The issues presented are ones witnessed today in some South Asian communities and they range from the stigma attached to seeking formal help for alcohol/drug habits and mental health/depression.

Through Balbir – Strength, we understand that there is a lack of awareness or education around mental health and receiving care especially if the person or family denies an illness such as depression. Other topics discussed in the novel are marriage fraud (protecting yourself from being someone else’s one way ticket to Canada) or domestic violence (with the potential extreme case of an honour killing when for example, a daughter is in love with someone from a different faith), and abolishing caste remarks (having to marry someone of the same caste) and racism/discrimination (allowing turbaned Sikhs to be accepted in professions like the RCMP).

I appreciated Raminder’s braveness to touch on these sensitive issues.

Raminder also mixes some of these social issues together to show how complex it can be for some South Asian families encountering more than one issue.

“Tears of Mehndi” is written in a different manner compared to other fictional stories especially by South Asian authors.

Raminder captures the disturbing reality some South Asian’s are living in and how they either accept the reality or step outside of the cultural rules/norms.

The choice each woman makes in the novel depends on her own desire to push for change in the society she lives in.

Raminder’s courage to tell these stories remains astonishing as the expectations placed on some South Asian families especially women is far too common in reality. The stories also capture the growth of the women from the 1970’s to present day. Interestingly the elderly women, whose stories are woven through with the other eight women, show progression. The women were continuously worshiping for sons in the beginning and in the end are taken care of by daughters/daughter-in-laws. This foreshadows how elders in some South Asian communities are beginning to wish they had daughters who seem to be respecting them more than sons.

The women’s perspectives become challenged by tradition, rituals, culture and most of all the reputation or image each of them felt had to be maintained in the tight knit community. The women struggled to protect their families by keeping some things behind closed doors mainly to prevent shame and honour from being tarnished.

Women from this particular culture fear being disowned by the larger community for their actions or in other words, risk becoming the talk of the town. This also demonstrates how women from some South Asian communities are oppressed and I would say are being told “kar di gal bar nahee dusidee” (to not share anything to the public and to keep what happens in the family within the home). No one is supposed to hear what is happening until it of course gets into the hands of the professional gossip queens hosting “kitty parties” (where women meet at each other’s homes or restaurants to socialize).

This is a compelling novel and one that is impossible to put down as it has many lessons worth retelling, and Raminder deserves praise for bringing them to the reader’s attention. There seems to be no ending to each of the stories and it is up to the reader to imagine what happens. I am waiting for another part of the “ghup shup” (a casual chit chat of gossip) to follow. I truly believe these stories have made a valuable contribution in changing attitudes, opening up conversations, but most of all empowering women in the South Asian community to speak up against injustices (the expectation to give birth to male offspring).

South Asian women in many households across Canada are struggling as women when dealing with common issues portrayed in this novel. South Asians need to break away from social norms that do more harm than good, such as gossip, the praising of sons and building their lives around what is happening to their neighbour. Some South Asian’s should be more mindful and respectful of others by keeping their views to themselves. Without a doubt this novel is written for a certain portion of the South Asian demographic and it can be used as an educating piece for those who take pleasure in knowing other people’s business. At the same time it can be a healing tool for those who are a part of this community and suffering in silence which is also symbolic of the women we meet in the novel.

To purchase a copy of the book please click HERE.

Everything was Good-Bye: Book Review

“EVERYTHING was GOOD-BYE ” by Gurjinder Basran

Book Review by Wendy Aujla

“EVERYTHING was GOOD-BYE” by Gurjinder Basran is a novel I had wanted to read for some time and finally did.

This is a story that takes a lot of courage to read as it captures the struggles that Indo-Canadians experience in a Western culture. Gurjinder uses the main character Meena, the youngest of six daughters raised by a widow, to portray the expectations of Indo-Canadian immigrant parents who hold on to traditional ideas, customs and traditions that tend to influence how they raise their children abroad.

I really enjoyed this novel as it touches on the immigrant experience, which involves settling in Canada and living in a traditional Indian household. It also examines gender differences in the South Asian culture; particularly how having daughters is not valued as highly as sons. Furthermore, the principles of the Sikh faith to some extent are addressed with an introduction into the temple and the first few line of the religious prayer that Meena recites, “Ik Onkar...”.

Additionally, the concepts of racism, discrimination and stereotypes in Canada are represented by Meena’s treatment in school by her peers and when, her Caucasian friend, Liam’s father mocks the pronunciation of her “Indian” name and tells his son to stick to his own kind. The novel also touches on relationships as Meena is not allowed to stay out late or talk to boys. Her mother reminds her that talking to white boys or dating is forbidden in the culture because marriages are to be arranged.

This concept of arranged marriages becomes more evident as suitable candidates are presented to Meena and the reader learns how her mother would have strongly opposed the idea of an inter-racial marriage since it would mean disowning the family, kind of like how her sister Harj did for different reasons. Instead Meena is reminded of how elders and in-laws should be respected as her duty, as a female, is to preserve the Indian heritage through her dress (wearing saris), ability to learn to cook, speak Punjabi and bearing children as her mother-in-law expects a grandchild.

Meena just wants to avoid the Indian culture and follow the Canadian cultural norms. For her it is all about seeking happiness in life by pursing her own aspirations and dreams regardless of what the Indian culture says is acceptable. The author, Gurjinder also makes a point to touch on education and the professions that the South Asian community encourages daughters to pursue, a lawyer or a doctor, nothing of what Meena was. She was a writer and would journal, a career her mother could not seem to understand or explain to others in the community, but one that Liam as an outsider to the culture encourages her to chase.

I also felt that this idea of the caste system needed to be discussed further. I wish Gurjinder would have used the Sikh religious beliefs to touch on caste system, rather than simply mentioning how it refers to one’s wealth, level of education or occupation even in Canada. The Sikh religion abolished the caste system, but some people even in Canadian society still continue to, as Meena’s family does in the novel, place emphasize on this when finding potential partners for their children.

The term caste is used to refer to Meena and Sunny’s education level, for example, degrees that allow them to have careers. I was curious to hear more about the author’s perspective and how she would challenge others about caste system and its place in today’s society. Thus, I feel Gurjinder could have written a bit more on this subject to challenge the reader and herself a bit further in her writing process as she does depict in the novel that wealth cannot buy happiness or love.

Throughout the novel, Meena fights back with her own idea of culture and identity as an Indo-Canadian. Meena disobeys, does not accept her position or role in the family and larger community as it should be. She comes across as a confident young woman to the reader, as she speaks her mind for independence which challenges her family and community’s belief system. Meena is in an endless struggle to find happiness in all of her relationships (e.g. with her husband, friends, in-laws, sisters and mother) and is seeking freedom as she has numerous arguments with those around her, for example, her mother and husband.

She wants only what is best for her, but somehow gives in to accept an arranged marriage which requires her to forget happiness as she is to accept the challenges that come with her marriage to a spoiled and successful wealthy lawyer, Sunny. Sadly, Meena endures a lot of physical and emotional abuse from her husband Sunny which she finally manages to escape and this is when I thought she would be safe, but I was wrong. Suddenly the story twists as Meena enters into motherhood and begins to discover herself.

The mother-daughter relationship remains throughout the novel as Meena challenges her mother throughout and then finds herself in that same position of raising a child, but also wanting to speak to her own mother out of comfort. This is when Meena also reconnects with her first friend and love, Liam. Unfortunately, this novel does not end on a happy note which makes the reader feel Meena’s pain and suffering as she accepts the reality put before her. Meena continuously is searching for love, friendship and happiness, but instead of personal gains she keeps receiving painful losses. Meena is constantly let down as the doors close in on her even when she opens her heart to others.

Author: Gurjinder Basran

The author Gurjinder, a South Asian woman herself, has succeeded in producing her first novel and her writing is remarkable as she highlights the expectations that are placed on Indo-Canadians in society, by reminding us of Meena’s actions as a woman in society and what others in her community will think. I also respect the author’s position in bringing forward sensitive topics that are silenced in the South Asian community, such as consuming alcohol and domestic violence in Meena’s relationship, but also her sister Serena who is sent back home by her mother to an abusive husband.

Additionally, Meena and Liam’s own inter-racial relationships gives a picture of how we should discuss these issues of race more openly. This is a novel that will connect with many who are suffering behind closed doors with abuse and the family pressures to return to the perpetrators. Perhaps this novel can act as a guide for young female South Asian women, who may relate to Meena, as they may rebel with ideas of inter-racial dating or going against forced marriages and perhaps be struggling with their own ethnic identity as Indo-Canadians in different ways than Meena.

There were also times where I would have recommended that this novel be named “Black and White.” Especially since Sunny hates bright colors which he excludes from his wardrobe and Meena reminds him that the world is not “black and white” except his life. “He believed in a choice of opposites: yes and no, right and wrong, love and hate. There was no in-between for him.” Thus, the author uses passages similar to this one to remind the reader of how difficult it can be to make the right choices in life especially when you want to follow your heart and not what your mind or others are telling you to do.

However, as I continued to read I understood why “good-bye” was a part of the title as it depicted the heartbreaking story around Meena’s life and letting go of many relationships overtime, beginning with her own father’s death that the reader learns about early on. I felt hopeless as I neared the end of the novel and I wanted to jump into the novel to tell Meena that everything would be alright as I remained optimistic as a reader that it would be. In the end, “EVERYTHING was GOOD-BYE”, it leaves me wondering if and how Meena ever forgave.

I also struggled saying good-bye to Meena as I put down the novel and I am left thinking about how her life was after. Thus, I would strongly encourage Gurjinder to continue the novel from where it ends with a second part that circles the life of Meena’s daughter of mixed race, who is also raised without a father figure. These ideas of identity, culture, race, gender, or class could be explored further in-depth to challenge the readers own perspective.

To purchase a copy of the book please click HERE.

Shamed: Book Review

Shamed: The honour killing that shocked Britain – by the sister who fought for justice by Sarbjit Kaur Athwal

Book Review by Wendy Aujla

A recent 2013 publication titled, Shamed by Sarbjit Kaur Athwal is a real life story that captures her courageous efforts to come forward about the honour killing of her sister-in-law that was plotted by her own mother-in-law, Bachan Kaur Athwal, and brother-in-law, Sukhdave Athwal. Sarbjit touches on her personal struggles with protecting so-called “honour” as she constantly struggled with what was the “right” or “wrong” thing to do in life.

Sarbjit on her wedding day with her sister-in law Surjit, (right)

Sarbjit respected her parent’s views and at a young age she agreed to an arranged marriage with Hardave Athwal as her father believed this was best for her. This is when her identity and religious beliefs in Sikhism were challenged by her mother-in-law who was well respected in the Sikh community. Her mother-in-law insisted that Sarbjit and her sister-in-law, Surjit Athwal, become baptized Sikhs. Bachan Kaur Athwal shielded herself behind religious practices which became a way for her to protect the Athwal family’s honour. Thus, Sarbjit’s mother-in-law could never be accused of plotting the murder of Surjit Athwal, her eldest daughter-in-law, especially not by the community that valued her devotion to praying day and night at the local Sikh temple. After all it was the priest from the Gurdwara who wrote character references alongside other community members that spoke highly of the Athwal family.

After Surjit Athwal and Bachan Kaur Athwal travelled together to India, deep down inside Sarbjit knew her sister-in-law was not coming back to England. Prior to the trip, Sarbjit had heard Bachan Kaur Athwal proudly saying to her two sons Hardave and Sukhdave Athwal that she would take care of the shame Surjit Athwal was bringing to the family’s name. The underlying motive behind the honour killing of Surjit Athwal was to control the woman’s behaviour once she acted out. Surjit Athwal never returned home from the trip and Sarbjit was haunted by the truth of the murder of her sister-in-law.

Sarbjit walks the reader through the torture she and her sister-in-law endured while living in the Athwal family. Initially Sarbjit hides the truth of Surjit Athwal’s murder from many, including her own family and authorities, until she finally felt the courage to speak up.

In doing so, Sarbjit was ostracized by her own community members that attended the local Sikh temple and supported Bachan Kaur Athwal. For what? Seeking justice for her sister-in-law and revealing Surjit’s murderers.

“To this day I try to avoid Southhall temple. When I do go, it is rare that I am not accosted by someone who accuses me of bringing shame on my family by having my mother-and brother-in-law arrested. It’s a warped logic that values a murderer’s good name over the life of a young girl whose only crime was to be stuck in a loveless marriage.”

Sarbjit’s husband Hardave also uttered threats towards his wife. These notes of threat were found in the family’s home room tucked away in the Guru Granth Sahib (Sikh Holy Book). Sarbjit reveals how religious and cultural practices were being used against her to protect a family’s so-called honour. As a reader, I wish people would stop misusing religion and places of worship to protect their own pride and honour. Shamed touches on a reality many Sikh women and families experience behind closed doors as they are taught about the significance of “honour” and repercussions of “shame” early on. 

As Sarbjit states, “I will never forgive Bachan Kaur Athwal for distorting the teachings of the Ten Gurus. Over the years I questioned many times whether it was my religion’s fault that Surjit was murdered. But it wasn’t. Bachan Kaur claimed to be acting in the name of the community, in the name of Sikhs’ honour everywhere. She wasn’t. She only ever acted in the name of evil, in the name of selfishness, greed and vanity.”

I do not blame Sarbjit for not being able to forgive Bachan Kaur for being so unfaithful to her religious beliefs.

Sikhism does not teach us to worship evil and we should respect the religious teaching offered by the Guru’s by not losing respect for ourselves, families, communities and religious beliefs we practice. Sarbjit sacrificed a lot and fought hard for justice, it was her faith in Sikhism that kept her going as she continuously prayed her way out of the challenges she encountered.

That is not to say that she was not haunted by the memories of Surjit Athwal or the fearful words of Bachan Kaur Athwal and Sukhdave Athwal which reminded her to keep quiet. Most of all she was constantly aware of her role in protecting the family’s honour and preventing shame. As she puts it in her own words, “think of your honour, Sarbjit. Think of your family’s honour. Don’t go anywhere…shame, honour, shame, honour. Those words were everywhere I went. They governed everything I did. But whenever I heard them, at the end of the day, I was the one who always suffered.”

Author: Sarbjit Kaur Athwal

Shamed captures how honour killings can be detected and murderers are prosecuted even when the crime is being carried out in another country like India. The author sheds light on how the police authorities failed to intervene in the beginning, but once they did act on the evidence Sarbjit provided, the murderers were found guilty and her own life turned for the better with the support of her hero, DCI Clive Driscoll. Sarbjit’s story is heartbreaking as it touches on the struggles of protecting a family’s honour while maintaining the respect of the wider Sikh community. It is cases like this that encourage us to challenge how we think about combating this crime globally. 

To purchase a copy of the book please click HERE.