Today I realized that I am a sucker for obligation. I didn't recognize or 'see' it clearly until now. Meaning, there are a good handful of things I do and people I have in my life that are there purely out of obligation.
Sometimes we do things because its 'the right thing to do' - ie. your friend is in need eventhough its not reciprocated, or you want to voice your opinion but oh, you don't want to be rude/disprespectful, or that person did something huge for you in the past so you must take the punch, so to speak.
While these are all valid reasons to 'be obliged' and keep certain relationships - the question I asked myself today is... where am "I" in all this 'should'ing??' 'I should be nice, I should ignore the self-centredness of that person, I should suck it up and be there for that person'. You get the picture. Or what seems to be my personal favourite - 'well, they did X for me, I owe them...'
Really??!?!? Thats what I just screamed at myself today... Is this really fair and true to myself (and I ask you: to yourself?)
How long are we going to be obliged to people who are toxic and energy draining. Because that is what obligation can be (and I stress CAN BE, not ALWAYS IS - each situation must be evaluated in and of itself). I'm not talking about the duties and responsibilties we have - I am speaking of the 'little things' that get us in life... they don't have impact in the grand scheme - but in a little way everyday, they rob us somehow.
But I can say confidently that most of us have obligations that are energy draining, life-sucking and really get us further from being true to ourselves. Its as if we betray ourselves every time we do something out of this kind of obligation. The kind that makes you feel heavy, drained and unsatisfied.
And doesn't the word 'OBLIGATION' sort of imply a self-betrayal of sorts? Because its not that we really want to do x/y/z, but 'sorta/kinda have to'...
So if we really don't want to do it - then aren't we doing something again our will? Isn't that the ultimate personal betrayal?
I know it seems like I may be taking this to the extreme, but this revelation was so big for me and more importantly, acting differently and NOT out of obligation was so freeing - it meant that this area of life can definitely be taxing to one's well-being.
And so I had to share it with the Wellness Works readers! Because this has EVERYTHING to do with Wellness - mental and emotional wellness.
And though the examples I've given can be deemed petty and commonplace, it paints a bigger picture (at least for me it does) in terms of what I am willing to put myself through (over and over and over and over again, I might add) to uphold this sense of duty/responsibility/obligation.
So today I thought to myself, what if I just say No?
As in, 'No I can't do that. No I won't sit pretty and be silent and No, I don't owe you anything.'
And what if I said 'This friendship is over. I'm done.'
By God, it was liberating. I mean earth-shatteringly liberating.
Now don't get me wrong, I thrive on relationships and love the connection I feel with others - that is why I love working with people so much. But there's a fine line between being a great friend/family while being authentic and then being an obligated friend/family. And I cross it. Over and over and over again.
And I pay a price for it. Every single time. Its small - time, energy, mental stress and a small self-betrayal. Altogether, I decided today - was finally too much to pay.
I decided I am going to evaluated each sitation and see where I am acting out of obligation and then if/when possible, choose differently. Radically differently.
So far its been truly emancipating and liberating. Yes that profound!
I hope this blog post spark's YOUR thoughts on where you are living and acting out of obligation, how that makes you feel and what you can do differently to be more aligned with you.
Yours Non-obligatedly,
Dr. Shamira
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