Practical Parenting

The Pain and Pleasure of Breastfeeding

I didn’t know what to expect from this motherhood related task. I approached it with uncertainty. One year and a couple of months later, I can say with satisfaction, it was a mission accomplished successfully. I am talking about breastfeeding my daughter Myrah.

In India, where I come from, breastfeeding is a given. There are no two ways about it, mothers breastfeed. Period.

But in North America, women make a big deal out of it, not wanting to nurse, not sure if they can or should, and not wanting to put in the effort. Before Myrah was born, my husband James and I decided, if all goes well, we will have her breastfed exclusively for six months and continue to nurse till atleast she turns one.

Soon after Myrah was born, the enormity of the task and the daunting responsibility of breastfeeding dawned on me. I realized I am the sole provider for this tiny baby who needs all the nutrition she can get in the initial days to thrive and grow. It was a responsibility that sat heavy on me and a task I took to very seriously. Is there enough milk? Is she drinking enough? Should I feed her more often? Should I go by her demand? In those initial days, when one is getting used to the idea and the concept and the technique, it can get very overwhelming. There were midnights and early mornings when I got frustrated thinking she is not drinking enough or as much as is usual, and stress myself about why it is so. But with time, she and I learned, and we formed a pattern we both understood. I learnt to go by her demands, to be reassured that when she is hungry she will ask for it (and they can ask very loudly!) and she has the power of judgment to decide when enough is enough. As I watched her gain pounds and remain healthy, I trusted her more and took the task more lightly. The women at the breastfeeding clinic of the Region of Peel were a great help and encouraged me to stay on course. I highly recommend using your local community resources if you have questions, or find the task difficult.

It still remained a big responsibility to the end. It is limiting, in many ways, as much of your schedule gets centered around feeding times. It is just not convenient to feed in some places, so you would think twice about packing your bags and going out – you would rather wait for the feeding to be over to do that. But then new babies feed every two-three hours or lesser, so there isn’t much time between feeds anyway!

The most stressful part of my first year of motherhood was pumping breastmilk. It is a method of convenience, intended to give breastfeeding moms a break while a spouse or somebody else takes on the responsibility of feeding. This seemed like a very inviting proposition as I would then be free to do other things. I shopped around and Medela seemed to be the most widely used brand of breastpump. It turned out to be my nightmare. Pumping was difficult; it was frustrating and very time consuming. Unless you are one rare individual for whom pumping works like magic, you are bound to be upset about it. Medela didn’t help in anyway. While the company claims pumping is an emotional exercise, I refuse to believe that. I think it is an excuse they use to cover the inefficiency of their product. I conducted a little survey. Of the 10 or so new moms I talked to, not a single one was happy with her Medela breast pump. A couple of them had some success with it, but the rest gave up on it after a while. My persistent efforts to get help- even directly from Medela- didn’t’ pay any dividends and I soon forgo the luxury of a break from feedings.

I persevered at nursing and it paid off. I exclusively breastfed Myrah till she was five and a half months (till she started drooling at our meal table!). I continued to nurse her till she was thirteen months. No formula or powder milk. After one year, it was a smooth transition to homogenized milk which she has taken to well now.

It was a responsibility I was happy to bring to a close, knowing that Myrah is stronger for it. The path to getting there requires patience, perseverance and huge commitment. I recommend it to all mothers who are even in an iota of doubt. Just one caveat – think twice about pumping (atleast with a Medela pump)!

Single and ready to survive…

Soon after Myrah turned one, I was faced with a situation I dreaded – James, my husband, had to go away on business travels for 10 days and I was left with the task of managing home, work and a one-year-old on my own. These were still Myrah’s initial days in daycare and she had not yet completely settled down. The week before he travelled, she got her first real illness – a fever that lasted 8 days. So I was pretty nervous when the time came for him to pack and leave and I was to be a single parent of sorts.

For those readers who are used to having extended family or domestic help at home, let me set the scene of what this entails. It means there is literally nobody to help you cook meals, watch the baby, clear the table, clean the mess from a one year old’s meal times, clean the kitchen, keep a tidy house, throw garbage and recycling, do grocery shopping, drop and pick up the baby from daycare, drive to and from work, put the baby to sleep, change her diapers, get her ready for the day, give her a bath, make sure she eats, rests, ensure she doesn’t get into trouble, is entertained well, attend phone calls, collect mail, make sure doors are locked at night, gas is filled in the car, clothes are washed, dried and folded and a 100 other things I am just not remembering now - and all these with a night of short, interrupted sleep .  Does the list sound daunting enough?

As the ten days rolled by, it didn’t seem that daunting, thankfully. It was very hectic and a lot of work, but I survived pretty ok. Very little was out of the ordinary, which helped me to plan things ahead and not deal with unexpected situations or uncertainties. Also, I took the liberty of not doing certain things that could wait till I had an extra pair of hands around the house. My employer, who is always great when it comes to people issues, and my boss, who is probably the most understand boss ever, were of great support too. They let me work from home when I needed to, let me leave work early so I can be on time to pick up my daughter, and eased my burden by not adding extra work pressures on me. Yay, Maplesoft! Then there were good friends, with their promise of help when I needed it, a psychological boost knowing that there is always help to turn to.

Little victories gave me joy. Getting myself and the baby ready, dropping her in daycare and being in office well in time, after driving 100kms to work – perfect start to a day. Baby sleeps in the stroller through a grocery shopping hour - pure bliss! I even squeezed in a visit to get my eyebrows in shape, after the grocery shopping! So one day when I got stuck in a traffic jam and just couldn’t reach the day care in time to pick up my daughter, I didn’t panic. I called on a friend who very readily helped out and picked up Myrah in time. Stressful, but manageable. So overall, it didn’t seem too bad.

This is, in no way, to belittle what single parenting is actually all about. I faced only a fraction of it for 10 days, with the hope of the soon-approaching respite. But for those dads and moms who deal with it day in and day out, without a break, - and some of them with two or more kids, phew! -  I can imagine their patience, endurance, courage and positive energy. Hats off to them for their perseverance.

I have a friend whose spouse travels very frequently and she once remarked, “I have got so used to it and have set a routine for myself and my baby, that when my husband is home, it is almost like a disruption of the routine.”

We all find ways of dealing with circumstances wherever life takes us.  They may be rough, they may be daunting. But if we keep a positive attitude and resolve to make best use of it and keep the faith to persevere and keep going, we will get through tough life situations.

James is already talking about his next business trip. And this time for a longer period. And I am bracing myself to go solo again.

Overprotective Parenting

With all the media attention for Amy Chua's book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," about a parenting style that emphasizes piano and violin practice over sleepovers and playdates, it's easy to forget that similar debates were stirred three years ago by a mom who confessed that she let her 9-year-old son ride the subway alone.

Lenore Skenazy, who spun off an article she wrote for the now-defunct New York Sun newspaper into a book, "Free-Range Kids," has now teamed with a Canadian reality show producer in search of parents who want to learn how to loosen up.

Cineflix, the Toronto company behind shows like "Conviction Kitchen" and "Property Virgins," is currently recruiting families for a series in which Skenazy will give first-hand advice on how to be less neurotic.

Better still, of course, if one of the two parents in a family is more stubbornly overprotective than the other.

"Most of us thrived on the freedom our parents gave us," Skenazy explained in an invitation to prospective television show subjects.

"Think of the joy of riding a bike around the neighbourhood. Think of the skills involved in organizing our own baseball games. Think of the responsibility we took on — and rose to — when we babysat at 11, or sold cookies door-to-door without a security detail."

The argument Skenazy put forth in "Free-Range Kids" was supported by statistics that the American crime rate is now lower than when today's parents of young children were growing up in the '70s and '80s.

Today, the incessant arguments in the media about how kids should be raised seem like an even bigger threat to their collective sanity.

"Free-Range Kids" and "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" may not be that far apart in philosophy, explained Skenazy, who has admitted to liking Chua's "base assumption that kids are competent and can do things well."

While the two authors clash over the value of unstructured playtime, Skenazy has suggested the new era of over-sharing personal information — which has compelled some parents to obsessively compare details of how they treat their kids behind closed doors — might be doing more harm than good to the process of child-rearing.

But then, reality television depends on a certain voyeurism, even if Skenazy is aspiring to couch it in advice on how to stop the trend of "over-helicoptering."

"Free-Range Kids" producers is now casting Canadian families, for filming later this year in Toronto, even if its subway grid is nowhere near as complicated as the one in New York.

This article first appeared HERE.