Where Do We Go From Here?!

 

 

The other day, my daughter asked me one of the two questions that parents most dread.  No, it was not the one where she asked how she came to exist, that delightful conversation has yet to come!  Rather, her query was about the other end of life (no pun intended).

 

Mama, what happens after you die?

 

Now, to know my daughter is to know that a superficial, partial or vague answer just will not do.  If the response does not satisfy her insatiably curious little mind, she will delve, prod and exhaust every angle she can think of. 

 

Once, as she was strapped into her car seat in the back of the car, it suddenly piqued her curiosity to find out how I had this ‘magical’ power to make the car move.  And so she asked.  But how does it move just by pressing a pedal?  How do you make it go fast?  How do you make it go slow?  How does it stop?  What is your other foot doing?  Can I see the pedals?

 

See what I mean?

 

Ok, so, what happens after you die?

 

Laced into the very question is the need, in addition to the factual information, for emotional reassurance.  Most grown-ups struggle to accept the implications of death; it is only normal that it would cause some anxiety in children.  The answers given, even the words chosen, have to be carefully weighed to strike the right balance.

 

And then there is the problem of absolutes.  For kids, things are black or white, yes or no … in other words, definitive.  Just as they need routines, they crave certainty.  But really, who among us can be absolutely sure about what happens after death? 

 

Of course, each faith answers this very question according to its own set of beliefs.  But even reaching into mine for the answer, how could I even begin to explain the notions of the soul, reincarnation, nirvana or eternal bliss to a 5-year old?  Compendiums have been written expounding on each, where to begin??

 

I had about a millisecond to decide how I was going to tackle this, as she stared at me with her trusting big eyes.

 

Thinking this would be a good time acquaint her with the notions that not everything in life is known, that people disagree with one another on important questions and that I don’t have all the answers, I decided to start with a general approach and gradually make my way to the state of nirvana or moksha (which for simplicity’s sake means union with God or eternal bliss).  It seemed like a good plan.

 

I took a deep breath and began.

 

Do you remember when we talked about different religions?  Yes.  Well people from different religions have different ideas about what happens after you die.  For example, Christians believe that people go to heaven.  What’s Heaven?  Christians believe it is a beautiful, perfect place where you are always happy and nothing bad ever happens to you.  But what is there in Heaven?  I’m not sure, but I think everything that you love.  So, in Heaven, you can eat candies and ice cream and it’s not bad for you?  And you can ride your bike all day?  And if you fall and break your arm [a current reality for her], it won’t hurt?

 

Uh-oh, first inkling that this conversation was not heading in the direction I had planned. 

 

So I sped the discussion along and discovered it was a tad tough for a pint-sized person to understand the distinction between the body and the soul, at which point I careened to the exciting and ultimate destination (also of the soul) where, according to our faith, you get to be with God all the time!

 

Nope, it couldn’t compete with Heaven and the candies. 

 

I crashed and burned on this first spiritual talk with my daughter.  Nirvana seemed positively boring compared to Heaven.  Of course, I had deliberately chosen not to describe Heaven’s counterpoint, Hell.

 

Thankfully, I am sure I will get another crack at giving her all the necessary information so that she can make up her own mind about what she believes.  Because if there is one thing we know about kids, it is that they love repetition.

 

And while there may be few certainties in life, of that I am positively sure.

 

Comments

[Taj]

Hello Niru - I just finished watching a show on TVO with Steve Paikin that you were on. I would like to thank you for being the only person on the show that made sense. I think you approached every issue or concern without an agenda. My wife and I firmly believe that our community requires more rational spokespersons like yourselves. Our upbringing and education was exemplified by someone like yourself.

I find that many times we forget why we behave differently in certain situations. Our culture, like everyone else's dictates our behavior. There's positives and negatives. However, you shed light on the fact that every culture should embrace certain values such as family and selflessness.

This is why I use to watch films with my mum and dad in England. This was our only connection to our roots in India while living in South London. Today we might even be considered cool or trendsetters but I remember a time when we were beat up for being different. Bollywood old school taught us that we must always continue the good fight because in the end it will prevail.

I think it is applicable in the real world.

[Bryan]

Actually, Heaven, in the Christian sense, has always been about being with God forever. Nothing to do with candies or other silliness.

[Rajesh Duggal]

Why not just say "I don't know"? Why tell her about Heaven, when the Christian bible says you and your daughter will end up in Hell no matter how nice you are, because you haven't accepted Jesus. :(

And the muslims say you and your daughter will end up in muslim hell for not believing in islam.

Why feel a need to mention the "soul" or "spirituality" when there is no evidence for such things?

If you're going to say things like Heaven, Soul, Spirit. You might as well say something she might understand better... such as.. when we die we go to North Pole and live with Santa, and play all year long.

Please please please, resist telling your children about things that have no justification for belief. Instead admit simply that we don't know. And that many people claim to know. But that they don't have good evidence yet. And maybe explain what evidence is, and start teaching about critical thinking.

Some interesting links:

"Critical Thinking"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OLPL5p0fMg

http://www.parentingbeyondbelief.com/

http://www.ted.com/talks/julia_sweeney_on_letting_go_of_god.html

http://nirmukta.com/

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thanks for share!