Over Chai

We Are All Egyptians Now

by Alok Sood MD., with Niru Kumar 

Mahatma Gandhi would be proud; his legacy to the world found new expression this past month throughout the Arab World.

What started with the desperate act of self-immolation by a fruit seller in Tunisia blossomed into a Gandhian non-violent protest and civil disobedience by hundreds of thousands of people in at least eight countries.  A regional domino effect of passions ignited.

There is something exciting that stirs the soul and unites humanity when democratic will is being exerted in such grand fashion.

As a South Asian Canadian, I am proud of Gandhi’s gift to humanity: satyagraha or peaceful, passive resistance.  The people of Egypt and Tunisia achieved their goals of ousting entrenched and corrupt autocratic rulers while never ceding the moral high ground.  It was a civic movement in the truest sense of the word, swelling in numbers from the ground up until the ruling party of the day was stripped of any moral and legal governing authority.

I can only imagine what it would be like to be an Egyptian on the streets of Cairo today.

I have experienced first-hand the delirious euphoria of sudden freedom after decades of repression when I visited the Czech Republic as a backpacker in 1990.  It had been mere months since the collapse of the Berlin wall and the lifting of the iron curtain.  The vibe in the street was electric and the joy of the masses palpable.  Smiles were everywhere and crowds were bountiful.  Street performers entertained on grand promenades and everyone, locals and tourists alike, felt incredibly alive.

As Canadians, we are blessed to have never needed a revolution to be granted our basic civil and political freedoms, including the fundamental right to free expression.  The Constitution Act and the more recent Charter of Rights and Freedoms assure citizens of their fundamental rights in civic society.  Canada exemplifies not only democracy as an ideology, but also the application of democratic principles. 

Since the founding of this great nation, Quebec’s distinct language and culture within mainstream Canada has been the subject of intensely divergent political views, with some arguing for a bilingual and united Canada, while others argue for outright secession.  Passionate supporters of a separate Quebec periodically resurrect the issue and bring the tension to a boiling point.  Anyone who lived in Montreal in 1980 or 1995 bore witness to large-scale political demonstrations.  I, myself, took part in the massive pro-Canada (anti-separation) rallies in 1995.  A hundred thousand people uniting for a single purpose is simply electric.  It is nothing short of democratic expression in all its glory.

 

So, while I have never visited Egypt or Tunisia and should otherwise feel no particular affiliation with their people, I can’t help but feel proud of them and wish, for a brief moment in time, that I were Egyptian so that I could revel in the toppling of a corrupt regime and witness first-hand the emergence of a democracy in a region that has never known it.  Since this is not possible, I will simply wish them well and smile proudly that this was all achieved through Gandhian means.

 

Tiger Mom vs. Mama Bear – Which One Would You Rather Be?

Tiger Mom Amy Chua has rocked the “Western” mom-osphere with her new book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, becoming the latest flashpoint in the parenting world.

 

For an in-depth discussion, check out The Agenda with Steve Paikin, which dedicated a full hour to this issue: http://www.tvo.org/cfmx/tvoorg/theagenda/index.cfm?page_id=7&bpn=779938&ts=2011-01-21%2020:00:00.0

 

Her claim is essentially this:  Chinese kids consistently outperform their Western counterparts because of the strict manner in which they have been raised.  Whereas Western parents may encourage learning, they are overall more lax in how far they push their children to achieve academic or artistic excellence.  The Western motto is “try your best” and to praise outcomes that fall short of that best in order to preserve a child’s self-esteem.  Chinese parents, on the other hand, assume strength and not fragility in a child’s character and believe them capable of achieving the best, so they do whatever is necessary in pursuit of the highest standards.  If that means 3 hours of piano practice every night or endless academic drills, then so be it.  For them, happiness follows success.

 

An interesting argument, to be sure.  And, in a way, who can argue with the logic?  After all, there has to be some explanation for the fact that so many Chinese children do turn out to be math whizzes, musical prodigies or other high achievers.

 

Take Amy Chua herself.  A law professor at Yale and the author of published books, by all objective accounts she is eminently accomplished.  She credits her achievements to her strict upbringing by her immigrant Chinese parents, a parenting style Amy Chua now advocates and practices with her own two daughters.  

 

So, for instance, while her two daughters were growing up, they were never allowed to:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

 

Hmmm. 

 

It strikes me that these measures seem a bit extreme.  

 

As parents we walk a fine line on virtually every issue.  For instance, I am now trying to teach my 5-year old about independence while also teaching her about safety vis-à-vis strangers.  Giving her some room to learn for herself is important to her confidence and decision-making abilities, in other words, her personal growth.  But keeping her out of harm’s way is of paramount importance to us.  So we teach her about safety.  We give her some rules and guidelines, and have discussions.  Now consider this:  we could have achieved this same goal by taking the extreme measure of never allowing her to leave home.  We would achieve one goal but significantly impact another.  While Amy Chua’s daughters may be superstar performers at school and in their pre-selected extra-curricular activities, I cannot imagine the absence of some significant impacts on other areas of their development.

 

So here is the way I see it.  Amy Chua’s approach is flawed for 2 principal reasons. 

 

First, she presupposes that her definition of success is the only kind of success that has any value.  To her, to be the A-student or the artistic maestro or to simply be the best, is the only laudable goal.  But is competitiveness really the only worthwhile value in life?  Does being second best or even average make a person’s worth inferior?  What about teaching your children about the value of other worthwhile goals such as emotional happiness, spiritual growth, or social connectivity?  Studies have shown that these factors are significantly relevant to living a well-balanced, fulfilled and happy life.

 

Which brings me to my second problem with her approach.  Balance. Or rather, lack thereof.  Her approach is so imbalanced, without moderation, off-kilter I would suggest.  If success really is a more complex notion than her simplistic definition, then imparting the necessary skills and values to our children is a more nuanced exercise than simply yelling at our kids until they achieve! perform! succeed!  Amy Chua’s harshness and uncompromising nature, her use of disparaging language (calling her daughters “garbage”) when they failed to measure up, her willingness to have screaming fits until they satisfied her standards shocked me. 

 

Now, I do not doubt Amy Chau’s love for her kids.  Rather, I applaud the single-minded dedication with which she imparted her values to her daughters.

 

But I do challenge those values. 

 

And her methodology.

There are other ways of achieving excellence without being a fierce Tiger Mom.  As a case in point, I think it is fair to say that South Asians are a fairly high achieving group, wouldn’t you agree?  I grew up in one of those families, within a larger Punjabi community.  There were rules, even strict ones, and a definitive focus on high academic achievement.  But rather than the ferocity of the Tiger Mom, we were raised with the more tender and protective nudge of a Mama Bear.  

 

I think the results speak for themselves.  And now, I have got to run. My daughter’s friend is coming for a sleepover tonight.