Mind Mantra

Reduce Stress with Deep Breathing

Deep breathing can help reduce stress. Often when we are stressed, our breathing becomes shorter and shallower. That means we are breathing with only part of our total lung capacity. The chest becomes tight, and in order to compensate, we breathe faster and faster.  The average respiratory rate in adults is about 14-20 breaths per minute. Stress or panic can double or even triple that rate resulting in hyperventilation.

If you want to reduce your stress level, go to a quiet room, dim the lights, sit down comfortably (or lie down), close your eyes, and do some “abdominal breathing.” Put your hands on your stomach, and breathe slowly, as if you are filling your stomach with air. Focus on the rise and fall of your stomach. This gesture encourages you to fill your entire lungs with oxygen when you inhale, and empty all of your lungs completely when you exhale.

Our breathing is a natural built in source of relaxation. We just have to tune into it. Do this in the morning and even at work whenever you feel tense. It is also a great way to unwind from a busy day.

Share your love this Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is not an Indian holiday. In fact, it is misunderstood and even discouraged as a day only for lovers.  That is not the case. If you go to the cards section in a pharmacy store or flower shop, you will see Valentine’s Day cards for all members of the family - grandparents, sisters, children, teachers etc. 

Valentine’s Day is a day to share your love and appreciation with all the important people in your life - not just a partner or a spouse.  It is an opportunity to educate our elders in expressing positive emotions. Surprise them with a card and anything else you wish to give. They will look forward to this day in the future years and you will have educated them in expanding their view about expressing love. Good luck!

Listening is the key to a healthy argument

There is a healthy way to have an argument regardless of who it is - your partner, relative or friend. The key lies in listening. Listening is even more important than talking.  During a fight, one person may feel hurt, slighted, or rejected.  You may want to bring up previous wrongs or hurts too. This turns into a blame game.

When you listen patiently, you are acknowledging the other person’s feelings; then the argument will turn into a meaningful exchange and lead to a resolution. The intention is to resolve a conflict - not escalate it. Try to understand the other person’s point of view instead of defending your own.

Remember, an argument happens because both people feel they are right. This principle applies only to a healthy relationship. Other techniques are necessary where there is an imbalance of power.

Shopping for...approval?

So why are we are we looking for permission from our husbands at the mall?

Here you are at the mall with your husband and you are excited to show him a dress or a purse or a pair of shoes that you like for yourself. He looks at it and says, “What do you need that for?” You leave the mall empty handed but resentful.

 What just happened in this scenario? You gave power and control away.  It’s one thing to ask for an opinion, but another to look for permission.  Just think outside the box for a second.  When growing up, women in the South Asian culture are raised to seek permission from authority figures; typically it may be mother who defers to father. Do you recall hearing that “your father won’t like this.” As we get older, we transfer this assumption for permission onto our partners. Husbands don’t necessarily promote this; we just fall into this behaviour.

Next time, just buy what you want. :)

Abuse

At what point do you call it abuse? The point at which it is abuse. Abuse can be verbal, mental, emotional or physical - they are all forms of abuse. Physical abuse gets a lot of attention but mental and emotional abuse can leave deeper scars than physical abuse.

Mental abuse can take the form of name-calling and put-downs. It is often used to control the person who is being verbally abused.  You don’t have to wait for abuse to become extreme before you take action to stop it. This intimidating behaviour can erode your self-esteem at any age.  Label it and say what it is when it happens. For example: “This is verbal abuse and I want you to stop it.”

Talk to some one if you are a victim of abuse. A Family Doctor or the Crisis line can be a good staring point.  Other resources include the Family Services Association. All calls are confidential.

I'm sorry...

So, you know that you were out of line. Angry, hurtful words were said. What do you do? It’s an easy answer- but the hardest thing to do is saying “I’m sorry.”

Arguments happen. They are an important part of communication with significant others. An argument signals that your needs have not been met. More significantly, it signals that you have been let down in some way.  Anger is a secondary emotion that often hides feelings of hurt.

Saying sorry can open a meaningful dialogue with your partner. Be clear about what you are apologizing for and be sincere about the apology. 

Mindfulness

Be in the moment. This moment is the only one that counts - not one that you are thinking about from yesterday, and not the one that you may be worrying about tomorrow. Be here NOW. This is the basic premise of Mindfulness -Based Stress Reduction.

Mindfulness is a method of dealing with every day stress. Dr. Jon Kabat- Zinn started it at a medical school in Boston, Massachusetts, back in the 1970s.  His first book Full Catastrophe Living is still a great read.  Mindfulness incorporates principles from Buddhist ideology, and from Yoga.

This particular type of meditation has received much attention by psychology and psychiatry. It is being used to treat many disorders, such as anxiety and depression.

If you are interested in this type of healing, just look up his name on the net. He is truly a living legend. There are many mindfulness workshops in Toronto and the GTA. Some of these workshops are run by family doctors, or psychiatrists, and therefore, are covered by OHIP.  I can always be reached at 416.566.8252 for more information. Because your mind matters!

Time out for yourself is therapy for the soul

Taking time out for yourself is as important as eating a meal or taking a shower. As women, we are so busy taking care of others- our children, partners, parents or extended family. that we neglect our selves. Take time out every day to nurture yourself. Consider it "soul food."  Take fifteen minutes out of the day to do something for yourself that energizes you. Make it a routine. It could be exercise, reading the paper, a walk in the neighbourhood, listening to music. 

Why is it so hard to do? We even feel guilty about it, or think it is selfish on our part. This is an unhealthy attitude towards taking time out for yourself. Here's a little test you can do. Rate your mood from 1 to 10, 10 is feeling great, and 1 is feeling run down. Rate it before you do this fifteen minute break. Then rate your mood after. If your mood has improved even slightly, you know what you need to do more regularly. What is your "soul food?"

I can be reached at 416 566 8252.

Make yourself heard

Living in an extended family can have its share of stresses. Are you having a tough time finding personal space in a home full of people?  Is it hard to say 'no' to demands placed on you? Well, stand up and stake your ground. Find your voice and make it heard- Make “I “ Statements- “I need some time alone.” “I can’t do it right now.”  “I will not be spoken to in that way.”

There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. In the former, you are standing up for your needs - needs that include a right to be treated with respect; in the latter, you may come across like you’re looking for a fight.

It takes practice to strike a balance. Make an effort to have yourself be heard. It is better to say something and deal with the situation at hand. Keeping the negative emotions locked up inside only become stronger and often come out in a way that was unintended.  I can always be reached at 416 566 8252.

 

Self Esteem

Self esteem means that you value yourself - not for what you do, or who you are with, or how much money you make- but just for who you are.  Self esteem is defined as what you think of yourself and how important you are to yourself.

As women in the South Asian community, we are vulnerable to low self esteem for many reasons. Generally speaking, boys are valued more than girls. This message permeates all aspect of our lives and starts at a very young age.  Giving out sweets for boys at birth, celebrating the first Lodi of a son’s marriage, or birth of a boy. We see these as happy and fun occasions. But subtly, girls and boys get the message about who is the more important gender.

Our self esteem takes a hit when we don’t live up to society’s expectations of what a “good girl” is in our culture. Divorced, separated, “talking back”, living on your own, not being married having an addiction - all of these situations can lead to feelings of poor self worth.

The truth is that we don’t have to buy into these negative massages - not in this day and age. Awareness is always the first step to change. Ask yourself, "What do I think of myself?" What messages did you grow up with in your home and how do they influence your life today?  I will be visiting this topic many times because it affects all aspects of our psychological health.

I can always be reached at 416.566.8252.