Mind Mantra

Make the Call!

Today, I spoke to a woman who said that she doesn’t want to reach out for help because if her husband found out that she contacted Social Services, it may jeopardize their chances of working out their rocky marriage.  In a country abound with laws and services to support women in difficult situations; I am always disappointed but, not surprised when I hear such comments.

Women in our culture are raised with the idea that when you get married, you have to make it work - good or bad. From your father’s house to your husband’s side, this is where your place is. This shouldn’t come with a heavy price of physical or mental abuse. Mental abuse can take the form of verbal criticism, emotional blackmail or verbal threats. “You’re no good; I’ll only give your grocery money if...; I’ll tell your parents that ...” 

If husbands are bullying you into staying silent and not reaching out for help, think of it as a “wake up” call. Is this marriage working in the best interest for you, or your husband? Reaching out may help your relationship. It may give men the opportunity to learn new ways of communication and solving problems. Social support and improved self-esteem can lead to better decision making for your own personal health.

Every city has a Social Services network. The counselors understand the delicate position women are in when they reach out for help. Make the call for your own good health! Look up “Social Services” in your city - Brampton/ Mississauga/Toronto.

A Holiday From My Thoughts?

Take a vacation from your thinking style! We all know that going away somewhere different is always a good thing. Taking a holiday from your usual thinking style is a great thing! It can lead to new possibilities and approaches to challenging situations. 

Think of someone you have always admired. It could be someone in your life that you look up to; or it could be a character from a film or a book. When you are confronted with a challenge, ask yourself how this other person would react. What would he/she say and do? Research shows that often behaviour changes first; the thinking style may change after.

Try this new approach for at least a week and note the changes in how you feel and how you behave. It is possible to incorporate new traits into our old personality style. You may become more relaxed, or more focused, or more energetic, or more courageous, or more confident...the possibilities are endless!

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Leonard Cohen and Robin Williams, are some of the most famous celebrities that I can think of who have Bipolar Disorder. The outdated term to describe this disorder is “Manic Depressive.”  Last year, Charlie Sheen displayed the more “manic” side of this illness.

Bipolar Disorder is a medical psychiatric term used to describe a person who is having “mood swings” to the point where it is affecting their mental health. People tend to go into a state of depression followed by a state of mania or hypomania. 

Symptoms of mania include irritability, insomnia, hyper-talkative, and sometimes indulgences in sexual activity, shopping sprees, or substances. Hypo-manic behaviour may or may not require hospitalization. But mania may accompany poor judgment that could be harmful or even fatal. Bollywood’s Parveen Babi had this illness too.

There is a whole spectrum of bipolar disorders; mild forms may not require any interventions. People with this illness have very successful lives, and are contributing members of society.  Severe forms, however, may require treatment by medications or even hospitalizations.

For more information on Bipolar Disorders, you may contact the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health or Depressive and Manic Depressive Association of Ontario.

Depression explained

There are many different types of depression. According to Stats Canada, 10%-25% of women are diagnosed with major depression or anxiety.  Common symptoms of depression are, feeling sad and tearful for at least two weeks, accompanied by poor sleep and poor concentration and memory. You may also note a change in your weight. You may experience little or no interest in sex and general low energy. You may withdraw socially and not want to be with others.

Other symptoms include feelings of hopelessness and  guilt. The most concerning symptoms are if you are having thoughts of death and suicide. Sometimes depression can show up with anxious symptoms such as restlessness, rapid heart rate, and excessive worrying.

Major depression is a clinical medical condition that can be brought on by chemical changes in the brain or by external social or work related stressors. If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, seek help immediately by seeing your family doctor.  Depression can be treated with anti depressant medications; research shows that depression is best treated with both cognitive behavioral therapy and anti depressants together.

Next week, I will talk about other forms of Depression.

Thinking the Worst often leads to Worse Thinking

Thoughts that begin with “What if…” are usually negative and devastating. This style of thinking is called Catastrophic Thinking. Always thinking of the worst possible scenario is a common Cognitive Distortion that leads to more worry and more anxiety. Catastrophic thoughts are associated with Anxiety Disorders such as Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

These thoughts can interfere with your body’s ability to function normally. For example, Catastrophic Thoughts can lead to elevated heart rate, rapid breathing and even lightheadedness.  One negative thought leads to another negative thought, and so on. Before you know it, you have imagined a horrible scenario that, in your mind, seems real and frightening.

The best way to tackle these worrying thoughts is to recognize that they are exactly that - just thoughts. They are not reality. Next, bring your focus into the present moment. Slow deep breaths will help you focus on the “here and now.” It will calm your body by slowing down your heartbeat. Focus on facts rather than the fiction in your head.

I can always be reached at 416.566.8252. My office is now in Mississauga, Ontario.

 

Kindness vs Competitiveness

Kindness is not often talked about in psychological terms. In a recent study, six-month-old infants were shown two videos. In one video, a person helped another person up a hill; while in the other video, a person prevented the other from going up the hill. The infants' responses were recorded to determine which video they preferred.

Overwhelmingly, these little infants responded positively to the “helping” video and wanted to watch it again and again. As human beings, we are naturally social creatures, and naturally helpful creatures who benefit greatly from offering support and kindness to one another.

Some schools in America and Europe are teaching children at the preschool and elementary levels some basic principles of Mindfulness Based Learning. Mindfulness Based Learning and Teaching tries to incorporate Kindness (as opposed to competitiveness), in a systematic way in the classroom. The results are astoundingly positive.

We can apply these values to our everyday lives too. Do something kind for someone else. Or, recognize the kindness you show towards others and give it value. These positive acts towards others, in turn keep our minds and bodies healthy.

For more information on Teaching Mindfulness in the Schools, look up “Educating From the Heart”(2011) by Aostre Johnson and Marilyn Webb Neagley.

I can always be reached at 416.566.8252.

What are you avoiding?

We spend a lot of energy avoiding challenging situations. Fear is one factor that promotes resistance. We fear the unknown; and the mind’s imagination, or perception, is usually worse than the reality. 

Another aspect of resistance is that we fear we cannot cope or adapt. So, we make excuses for ourselves as to why we can’t change. By developing a step-by-step strategy, we can build our confidence to take on the task at hand.

Take support from sources available to you; they might be friends or family. Vulnerability is a human truth; not a character flaw. Most people are happy to help in what ever way they can.

Resistance is a psychological barrier; not a physical one. Go and take on whatever you have been avoiding because whatever it is, you can do it!

“If you resist, the tide will sweep you away; Allow, and it will take you to higher ground.”

Don’t be afraid of confrontation!

No one likes confrontation. How do you approach some one when you want to resolve a conflict with him/her? Conflict is not always a bad thing. Conflicts tell us that something is out of synch. The focus should be on resolving the conflict - not about berating the other person. There is something called “the right approach to conflict.”

A healthy way to open up the discussion is to start with "I" statements. That means expressing how the issue is affecting you. This approach opens the communication with out an aggressive tone. The point is that you are trying to resolve the conflict, not berate or put down the other person. Beginning with “you always” or “you never…” just puts the other person on the defense. During a conflict, we often make false assumptions about the other person. But when you check out these assumptions, they are usually not true. 

As long as you keep the focus on the issue, and away from blame, you have a good chance of reaching a healthy resolution. Don’t be afraid of confrontation! If handled correctly, it really clears the air.

Eye Contact

When you are talking to someone, make direct eye contact.  In the Indian culture, we are discouraged from looking at some one directly, especially older persons. It is perceived as a sign of disrespect.   Even more so, if you are challenging something that is being said.  Think back to when you were a child. At some point, during a reprimand, you would have been told to “look down” or “don’t stare at me.” Or perhaps, as a parent, you have said that to your child.

As an adult, I would tell you that eye contact is the most important aspect of communication. When you look into a person’s eyes, it means that you are giving your undivided attention.  You are indicating that the other person is worthy of your attention. Eye contact also declares your level of self-confidence. Some one who is shy or insecure will tend to avoid eye contact. Teach your children that making eye contact is a positive thing. Next time you talk to someone, are you looking into their eyes?

 

Procrastination doesn’t mean you are lazy!

Are you finding it hard to get started on a project? Negative thoughts such as “I’ll never get it done” or “this is too much for me” can lead to avoidance and procrastination. There is a systematic way of approaching overwhelming tasks. The simplest way to tackle a big project is to break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. Make a list of all the steps that you have to do to get a job done- even if some of the steps sound trivial.

To get started, just focus on the first step; don’t even think about the other steps on the list. Take a break before going on to the next step on the list. This principle can apply to household chores such as cleaning, laundry, painting or, whatever else you are avoiding.  Don’t look at your procrastination as a sign of laziness. Use it constructively as a clue that you are feeling overwhelmed by something!