The wisdom of arranged marriages...

Remember, the sing song that we all chanted as little girls?

First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes [insert name]
with a baby in a carriage!

Simon and Schuster (yes, the big publishing house) recently contacted me and sent me a few copies of a book by Reva Seth called "First comes Marriage".  In her book, Reva shares the wisdom of arranged marriages and helps modern women use these techniques to find and keep Mr. Right. I have been asked to review the book and give my thoughts on it.

I have to confess, I approached the book with a lot of speculation. I am not a big advocate of arranged marriages. But, I needn't have worried as the very first chapter in the book set that issue to rest.  The book and the author do not advocate arranged marriages.  Indeed, the author makes a very important distinction between a true (and smart) arranged marriage and a forced marriage.  The two are completely different and yet the term "arranged marriage" is often used interchangably for both scenarios.

I was taking a serious interest in the book now and continued reading. The book provides some very interesting insights into how women approach the task of finding their partners.  According to Reva, the men we date will become the men we marry.  So if you're dating all the wrong kind of men, you're already off to a bad start.  Of course, what Reva enlightens you on is the notion of "wrong" men in a way that you've not likely seen them as wrong ever.

One of the insights that Reva shares in the book is that we often confuse "shared interests" with "shared values".  We look for persons that share all our interests instead of focusing on shared values.  Common interests are less important than shared values. Reva goes on to suggest that "Your man doesn't have to be your best friend". And, wait for this, Reva's most radical recommendation is 'Rewrite the romance.  Love can come AFTER the marriage too!"  ok, now that is a bit extreme to accept but I think what she means is that you don't fall in love first and then weigh in the compatability.  Instead, it's better to start with the correct criterion and identify the suitable match first and and then find love or, better yet, trust that it will find you. 

These were some very interesting  and unconventional comments and definitely offer a major shift in paradigm.  Reva explains these and many other insights with many illustrative case studies in a manner that makes her strategies very convincing and brings common sense and reason to her theories.  If everything Reva says is true, I'm not serially unlucky...just serially unfocused!!

I could relate to a few of her observations very easily.  For instance, I have always filtered out my dates based on their interests but in the end, the most articulate, intellectual, extrovert, free spirited individuals made great dates but lacked the substance of lasting relationships.  Could it be that I was focusing more on the "nice to haves" and ignoring the "must haves"?  Could it be that my entire theory and expectation of trying to find my best friend and my true love was the very thing that was putting way too much pressure on my relationships?  Was I expecting too much?

I hope not! But, there's only one way to find out.  Since I am single again, for my next few dates, I will put Reva's theories to test and apply her principles to decide how I date and whom I date over the next few weeks/months. This means, no longer accepting dates just because we seem to share lots of interests. No wasting time with persons that don’t have the same goals as I do. Being upfront and direct about my expectations so that potential dates know exactly what I am looking for!

Luckily, the book comes with a plan. And step one of the plan is to making a list. Actually, Reva asks you to make three lists:

1. Figure out what you DON’T want,
2. Get clear on what you DO want
3. Decide who YOU must be to attract such a person.

If I am to do this right, I should put some serious thought into the preparation of these lists (hey, if you’re single, maybe you can do this exercise with me and prepare your lists too!). I should have my completed lists and some updates for you next week! 

PS: If you’re interested in receiving a copy of this book, I have three complimentary copies to give away. Send me an email and I will tell you how you can receive them. Of course, they’re also available at your local Chapters or any other bookstore.

Click HERE to get more details about this book

Comments

[Savia]

This book looks interesting. Thanks for the review Syerah.

[sanja]

nice idea but most desi now are kinda troubled by the family introductions. Best way is to rely on your friends and friends of friends to describe you and introduce you.