Sy in the City

It started with a book...

Most people remember their dates by some activity that they have enjoyed together.  One of my girlfriends can list all her dates by associating them with the restaurant where they dined.  "J took me to Canoe for dinner" she'll gush or "D and I had such a fabulous evening at this lovely seafood place in Port Credit called Snug Harbour" or "M and I broke up while looking out to the city from Panorama".   

Another friend reminisces about her dates by listing movies they saw together: "K and I first kissed after seeing 27 Dresses" or "I knew M wasn't the guy for me when he made me see Transformers for the fourth time!"

I've been on a lot of dates and not all dates lead to a relationship. But, some dates are more meaningful than others. 

My most meaningful relationships all have one thing in common. Somewhere, very early in the dating/communication process, we have talked about and shared books.  That's not to say that we don't dine in fancy restaurants or see movies together.  But, when I look back at that relationship and remember what it was that drew me most to that person, it's a book that usually comes to mind first!

They say you can tell a lot about a person from the company they keep.  I say, you can tell so much about a person from the books they read. 

Books have the power to inspire and shape a person's life.  I can reflect back on my own life and for each turning point in my life, I can identify a book (or several) that have contributed to a certain life altering event.  In many instances, those books have come as gifts or recommendations from the men in my life.

Here are just some of the books that have come to me thanks to the world of dating and each one (the book and the man) appeared in my life just when I needed a particular message to be delivered to me :)  Gotta love the synchronicity!

What are some of the things/events/memories that come to your mind when you think of all the people you have met/dated?

Do share! :)

 

 

 

Meeting the right person at the wrong time

The phrase, "being in the right place at the right time" means many things to many people.  We've all heard stories about someone who landed that dream job, the perfect purchase, and sometimes even their soul mate because they just happened to be in the right place at the right time.   I get that.  But I'm not entirely sold on the whole "right place at the wrong time!"

On the relationship front, I often hear from my friends about "she was great but it was just bad timing".  A close friend said to me the other day (speaking about her recent break up), "he was the right one for me but it was just not the right time for us".

So what's the deal?  Is there really such a thing as meeting the right guy but at the wrong time?  My honest opinion is that I don't think so.  I think if someone is right for you then that's just it.  The right guy would also know that you're the right woman for him.  That's a big part of what makes him the right guy for you, no?  So, if the guy is still married, or just recently separated, or still grieving the loss of his last love (or whatever reason you attribute to the wrong timing) it just means that he's not the right guy. Someone once told me that when something is right, there's no "yeah, but..." about that. 

This advice sounds brutal but that's what the Occam's Razor principle is all about.  Very briefly, the principle is that All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best. 

And the simplest advice I could give my friend was to not come up with convoluted theories about why you can't be together.  Do not attribute responsibility to some external factor (like timing!).   

Another line I've heard friends use  is "He wasn't (or I'm not) ready for a relationship"  or "He just wasn't emotionally available".  Well, if you know that about  him then how does that make him the right guy for you!?  Don't kid yourself (or anyone else) into thinking that it's the timing that is all wrong.

I think I broke her heart! That's not what she wanted to hear.  There's a time for being honest with friends and there's a time to just be a friend.  Maybe, a month later, I could explain Occam's Razor to her over martinis.  Right now, all she needs to hear is, "the guy is an idiot for not wanting to be with you."

The Pickle Jar Effect

First of all, I want to thank everyone that offered their comments on my last blog entry.  Blogging is necessarily a two way process - an exchange of ideas. So it's very heartwarming when readers take time to respond or offer perspectives on an opinion or idea presented by any blogger. 

I always say there are very few absolutes when it comes to relationhips. So, what works for some might not work for others.  Take the comments suggested by Oprah's guest on this article/videoclip, for instance. 

According to Patty Novak,

"We are so successful today, women. We're fabulous. We work hard. We make good money. We parent. Sometimes what happens when we spend a lot of time alone, we forget to let them open the damn pickle jar," Patti says.

"The one thing I don't think is ever going to change on this planet is men still need to feel like men," she says. "So let them open it."

So how does a woman ask a man to do something without compromising herself? Patti says that if he's not in the room, go ahead and open your own pickle jar. But if he's standing there, Patti says it's just as easy to ask him to open it. "And know that you are the smarter, clever one for doing it," she says. "It's about attitude."

Last week, over dinner with my girlfriends, a bunch of us debated the wisdom in Patty's advice.  I'm not sure if she asks that we simply seek out ways to involve the men in our life in things we do (in which case, I'm all for having them help me open pickle jars and wine bottles).  I'm a sucker for chivalry.  I find it most endearing when a man opens a door for me, helps me with my coat or puts his arm just enough on the small of my back to let me know that I am with him.  I wouldn't hesitate one bit to seek out help from a partner on any issue that I need help on.  Whether it's help with opening pickle jars, changing light bulbs or seeking recommendations on books, art or music - it would be because I value his assistance and feedback and not because there is any ulterior motive of indulging his male pride.

So, if Patty's recommendation is that a woman should "feign" an inability to open the pickle jar just to stroke a male ego, I totally disagree with this approach.  That just sounds so calculating and manipulative. This kind of attitude just sets the framework for more deception along the way.  Where do you draw the line in what is an acceptable white lie?  Will you fake an orgasm next?

In my view, good relationships are built by appreciating and nurturing the strengths of each partner without assigning pre-determined gender designations to any skill.  I think what Patty is really getting at is that women (or men, for that matter) should try not to do everything in a relationship in a manner that eclipses their partner.  Sure, you know all the best restaurants but why not let your date suggest a place?  And yes, you can open all the pickle jars, but asking him to open a few will make the activity (cooking, in this instance) a shared activity.

Of course, not having gender biased ulterior motives means you can ask for advice on cars just as sweetly as you ask "Honey, can you please help me with the dishes?" :)

Too Successful for a Mate?

I just got home from a swank restaurant's opening  night gala.  Aside from the fantastic food I got to sample, I also came back with some food for thought!

At the party, I ran into a girl I know.  She's smart, she's successful, she's funny, she's beautiful and very well put together and yet she's single!  Over martinis, we tried to analyse our respective single statuses.  If we were men, we'd be right up there on the eligibility ladder and yet, as women, something keeps impeding our ability to form long lasting relationships.  "Men just get intimidated by me", she said. 

This reminded me of an email forward that another (also single) girlfriend sent to me last week.  It's an article that was published recently on MSN Finance and touched this very subject.  Excerpts from this article are reproduced below:

The majority of the most successful, good-looking, educated, talented girls are still single.

If they had Y chromosomes, they would have been married a decade ago. Instead, like successful single women all over the continent, they trek into their mid- to late 30s on their own -- experiencing fabulous professional success, buying real estate and making savvy investments for the future, without much going on in the relationship department.

Carolyn Kaufman, 33, has a doctorate in clinical psychology and teaches college in Columbus, Ohio. She is a perfect example of a woman who has everything except a date. "I have this crazy belief that I have the right to expect my potential partner to be at least as successful as I am, and to have as many things to offer as I do," she says.

Good luck, Carolyn. With more women than men earning advanced degrees, those kinds of men are going to become harder and harder to find. (They call it the pinnacle of success for a reason: The view is great, but pinnacles are by nature narrow, pointy places. There's no room for a crowd.)

Experts say that highly accomplished men tend to marry women who are lower on the professional and educational food chain than they are, traditionally choosing women over whom they can exert control.

"I've heard men say, 'Why would a woman want me if she can do all that stuff herself?'" says Kaufman. "He was totally missing the point."

Mohr says her ex-boyfriend confessed his feelings of inadequacy to her one night after a couple of beers: "He said, 'I was just really intimidated by you and I didn't know what to do.'"

It's the dirty little secret of the battle for gender equality. It's not that men still don't believe women are equally capable, they just have a hard time visualizing their role in a relationship when the woman outranks them on all the measures they use to gauge their own success. It's a little sad for the men, really. It also makes it very difficult for these power chicks to find a partner.

So what's a girl to do? Review your expectations. (Hold on, I didn't say lower them. I said review them.)

In the end, common values and goals, generosity, intelligence, respect, a warped sense of humour and a mutual attraction floated to the top of the list. Nearly everything else on that list was negotiable, including income and educational attainment.

"As you get older, you get more clear on what's important to you," says Dr. Debra Condren, a psychologist and career coach a

Experts say that the divorce rate is one factor contributing to the trend. Another is a tendency among better educated, more secure women to postpone marriage.

For lots of these highly successful women, when given the choice between marriage and their current life, single wins, hands down.

"The longer you go without marriage, the more complete you make your life, the more difficult the idea of a compromise in marriage becomes," she says. "I may be ready to try again, but every day I feel more and more like a confirmed bachelor. I see so many people struggling in relationships that it scares me."

Simmons rejects outright the notion of dumbing herself down to make herself more marketable to all those executives looking for a "wifey".

"For a lot of guys, the simple girl is easier because the man's role is clearer: They make the decisions," she says.

Interesting article for sure.  I am also wondering is if this reaction and expectation (among men) is perhaps even more pronounced among South Asian men?  After all, our traditions pretty much define the role of each gender and it's the man that is usually revered as the "provider" and the woman who is the "nurturer".

We have definitely evolved from the traditional gender roles.  More and more women are now part of the workforce and more and more men are contributing to and sharing the role of a caregiver.  But, at the primary level, do men really get intimidated when a woman is more successful, ambitious or independent than they are?

What are your thoughts on this? 

In any event, it's one of those things that makes go hmmm...

The Art of Living

I have been there for many friends when they went through their break ups, separations, divorces etc.  I have noticed that each person deals with a break up in their own way.  Some people shut themselves from the world and give themselves a "time out" from all social activity while they come to terms with their new status quo.  Others go all out and totally clutter up their calendar with things to do - even if it's with people they don't really care that much about or doing things that they don't particularly enjoy just so they don't have to be alone.

I fall somewhere in between.  I enjoy quiet time and reflection and think it's a valuable part of the healing process.  I also feel comfortable reaching out to my friends and spending time with them when I feel down or need company.  But, for the most part, I look at these periods (when I am not in a relationship) as welcome breaks to affirm and reaffirm my code of life.

I love books on self development and so I went and bought a whole stack of them to read (power of flow, being a good example).  I  recently completed renovations in my home and finally have my dream kitchen.  So I am spending a lot of time PVRing all my favourite shows on the Food Network and then trying out some of Nigella or Jamie's recipes while entertaining friends at home.

But, what I am really kicked about is the course that I have signed up for this weekened.  It's the Art of Living course being offered by the Art of Living Foundation which promotes the teachings of Sri Ravi Shankar (not to be confused with the sitar player).

The course has come highly recommended by a friend and I'm told its principles and teachings are in alignment with my own take on how I like to live my life.  A quick look at their website says, “Be in the present moment. If you live fully now, tomorrow will take care of it self. If you are happy now, the past will not torment you. That is the art of Living.”

That much I already know.  If there's something new I learn, I will be sure to share it with you all next week :)

What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!

Ever since my eleven year old daughter got introduced to hip hop, the radio station in my car has changed frequency from CBC Radio One to 99.9 mix fm (especially when she's in the car with me).  It's interesting because I get to listen to songs that I might not hear otherwise. One such song, is Kanye West's "Stronger".

Although the song has a catchy beat to it, much of the song's lyrics are pretty mediocre if not downright crass but it's interestingly inspired by Nietzsche's quote, "What does not kill me makes me stronger" (Twilight of the Idols, 1888). 

And so, a few days ago, while my pre-teen bopped her head away to the song, it's lyrics (or that one line, in any case) made me think about life and relationships generally.  Each relationship teaches you something and even when they don't work out, they add value to your life because the lessons learned will offer you more clarity on how your next relationship will be better and stronger.

It is this thought that gives me hope and makes me smile.  I am officially back on the dating scene and and I am actually looking forward to new experiences.

As for the relationship I am leaving behind.  Well, there's a song by Jordin Sparks that my daughter hums a lot, which pretty much sums up that scenario:

Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once...
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo.

I will never regret you....

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you.

Here's to taking new directions and not looking back when making this new beginning! :)

Going with the flow..

I am a huge believer of the Jungian philosophy on synchronicity.  I truly believe that all events in my life happen for a reason and that people, ideas, concepts come to me when I need them most.  I thrive on meaningful coincidences.

This approach has allowed me to tackle most difficult situations with an ease that others find unnerving. My recent break up is a good example.  We were good together.  I accepted that.  We're no longer together.  I have accepted that as well.  I don't try and judge whether our not being together is a good thing or a bad thing.  It's not my place to judge.  It is what it is and I accept it.  And, having accpeted it, I am also ready to move on.

That's not to say that I will not think of him from time to time or hold fond memories of our time together.  All it means is that I don't dwell on what's already happened and I don't worry myself with events that are yet to occur.   I live in the present.  All I need to do is ask myself, 'did I do everything I could possibly have done to make that relationship work?".  If I can answer that in the affirmative then I am content to accept whatever outcome that comes out of those efforts.

Interestingly enough, these very concepts are described in a book that I recently picked up. It's called the 'Power of Flow' and this is a book that I would recommend to every person to read at least once in their lifetime.  I say once because chances are you will read it again many times.  The book speaks of transforming your life through meaningful coincidence and offers over a dozen practical techniques to consistently live your life in the "flow".

One of the techniques in the book is to accept things as they are. Here's an excerpt from the book.  It's simple and yet so eloquent and it says it all.

Accepting things as they are gives us a place from which to move forward.  Since we cannot be certain what the outcome will be, we don't waste time and energy criticizing what is happening; instead, we use that energy to figure out what to do next.  Our approach is That was then.  This is now. So what now?

Accepting things as they are means looking at situations, events, and circumstances with clear eyes and withholding judgement. We don't paint anything in dark colours or demonize the enemey, which creates separation and suffering.  We follow our hearts, do what we have to do - but let the Universe be in charge of  the judging.

One way to learn acceptance is to regard everything you encounter as a teacher that leads you to greater understanding.  For each event you experience or person you encounter, ask yourself: What is the value in this occurence? What value is this person bringing to me?

If this has piqued your interest in the least then this is the value I bring to you today.  Maybe your reading this note is no coincidence.  Keep an open mind and allow yourself to be guided by the agents of flow.  And you will enjoy this unbearable lightness of being which is a natural and effortless unfolding of your life!

And, like me, you will experience the uncanny coincidences where things will fall into place, obstacles will melt away and whatever is necessary - money, time, work, people, opportunities - will appear as needed.

Call me an unrelenting optimist or just someone who believes but I simply cannot be the devastated, heartbroken damsel in distress that stays home and plays victim.  That's just not me.  Life is too beautiful and Spring is already in the air.  Well, almost :)

Always something there to remind me..

No matter how many times you have gone through a break up in your relationships, it still hurts each time.   No wonder there are hundreds of books written on "how to deal with a break up".  It's especially hard in the first few weeks. 

There may be a routine that you have established with your partner which has now been disrupted.  There are songs playing on the radio that hit too close to home. 

There might be objects that surround you.  Things he gave you, things he left behind, things you bought meaning to give to him or things you bought together.  Each one takes a ruthless stab at your already fragile state.  Just how, you wonder, are you ever going to move on when there is always something there to remind you of a particular anecdote or memory you shared with your partner?

You cannot neatly package and store away memories. But, packaging away some of the objects that trigger those memories is probably a good start.  At least, until you are able to enjoy those memories again without any accompanying pain.

In my view, it is more painful to return items. Not just for you but, I imagine, for your partner as well. Returning items (especially gifts) means that your time together did not mean anything. Which isn't true. Your time together was very special, and worthy of remembering. It just wasn't meant to last forever.

That said, some items can simply be disposed (yes, it's ok to chuck his toothbrush and contact lens case).  Some must be returned (if he brought his $500 tool kit over to hang up your pictures, he deserves to get that back!).  And some, well, some are best boxed up and kept out of sight!  It is a way of assuring yourself that you have really accepted that the relationship is over. Keep the gifts, photographs and cards that you have received out of your sight.

I've had more than my fair share of break ups.  But, I've kept something from each relationship.  Whether it's a trinket, a CD, books or dvd's, they have all spent some time in a box somewhere.   And, there always comes a time when I am ready to bring them out of the box without any pain but with fondness.  That's when they become reminders of the "good times" we once shared. That is generally also my cue that I am now ready to salvage and sustain a friendship with an ex.  After all, there was something we once liked about each other.

"Out of sight; out of mind" is definitely easier said than done but it's positively a step in the right direction.  It's also called moving on.

What becomes of a broken heart?

'tis the season of love.  I see hearts everywhere - at bookstores, malls, restaurants, cinemas, and even banks and grocery stores.  Shiny red hearts, dazzling silver hearts or lacy pink hearts.  Dangling from store windows, walls and ceilings.

And then, there's my own heart which at this point in time seems to be no more than a muscle the size of my fist and that serves no function other than to pump about five quarts of blood into my body every minute. 

And it aches. It aches with thoughts of what should have been, could have been, almost was, or would have been were it not for...

The end of a relationship can leave you with a profound sense of loss.  As with any loss, you will find ways to grieve that loss.  It is said that there are generally five stages of  grieving.  These stages were identified and named by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It should be noted that although most people experience all of the following stages, they do not experience them with the same duration, or in the same order, or with the same intensity. It is a very unique process. 

 

Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial. It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true. We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen. It does not seem real.

Anger

Another stage of grief is anger. At this point, we have gotten past some or all of the denial, but now we are angry about the loss. We may want to take it out on something or someone, or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.

Bargaining

In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we lost or just find someone or something to blame. Common thoughts include "If only I had just …." or "I wish we could have…." or "Maybe if I do this…." In the case of a lost relationship, we might actually bargain with the person we lost in an effort to get them back. "If I change my behavior, will you come back?"

Depression

The depression stage is just as it sounds, a time of sadness. It generally follows denial, anger, and bargaining when we feel helpless and hopeless to stop the loss. It may include crying, withdrawal, or any other way that expresses sadness.

Acceptance

The final stage is acceptance. Most often we have gone through all of the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance. At this stage, we have (to some extent) reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss. This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time, but the sadness is now a part of us and does not keep us from functioning normally most of the time. Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes, but may never entirely go away.

So there you have it.  That's what becomes of a broken heart. And although it hurts right now, eventually, this too shall pass.

Breaking up is so hard to do...

Whether you've been in a relationship for a few short weeks or been married for years, if you have invested yourself in that relationship emotionally, breaking up can be a tough thing - even when you know it's the right thing to do.

Is there a right way to break up?  Dialogue is always good but often when you're ready to break up there's really not much left to say.  You don't need lengthy discussions anymore.

In my view, a dialogue demonstrates a desire and a commitment to stay together.  When a man and woman engage in communication it's not because they want to break up but generally because they are looking for ways to keep the relationship together.

It's when you have exhausted all dialogue, explored all avenues of communication without success, and when you no longer see any point to even have the "talk" that the seeds of the break up are sown.

And once you get there, no more discussions are necessary. You just need to walk away from it all.  And you need to do it swiftly and decisively (even if it hurts as hell).  Maybe this is why many painful "break ups" appear to be an abrupt goodbye, a quick email (with a "Dear John" letter), a short phone call or, as has happened in some cases, a post-it note with a "We're finished" has sufficed.

But many cannot even accomplish this task on their own.  In our world where everything (well, almost  everything) can be outsourced, I wasn't surprised to learn of agencies that specialize in offering "break up" services.  I kid you not!!

A German entrepreneur, Bernd Dressler, has founded a Separation Agency in Berlin.  He is something of a Relationship Hit Man!  For about $25, he will offer to break up with your partner on your behalf.  He even offers packages titled "Let's Just Be Friends" and "Leave Me Alone".  No prizes for guessing which one costs more! For about $65, he'll even make house calls and deliver your message in person AND collect your personal effects from your ex's place!

Fortunately, I won't be needing Mr. Dressler's services.  I don't even really see this as breaking up.  It's more along the lines of "If you love someone, set him free.  If he comes back, he's yours for eternity.  If he doesn't then, well, it just wasn't meant to be".

C'est la vie :)