Sy in the City

Celebrating Life

Two weeks ago, I celebrated my 40th Birthday.  It was quite the party with over a hundred people in attendance spanning many years of my life.  Friends that went back decades and friends that I've only known for a few months. 

What I want to talk about in this blog though is the reason for this celebration and why it was so important to me. Why do we celebrate birthdays to begin with?  It's a day that marks your arrival into this world.  Birthdays are therefore a celebration of Life itself.  

Life can be the day-to-day existence that many of us go through.  You can make it about jobs and mortgages and retirement.  You live with fear (about your future) and insecurity (over relationships or careers) and allow yourself brief vacations or moments of tranquility.  You're challenged even in those moments because you find that you're either constantly ruminating about your past and being tortured or resentful about things you did or didn't do.  Or, you are fretting about the future for things that are imagined and that may or may not happen.  In doing so, you're never quite respecting LIFE in your present. In some sense, you're living on auto pilot and in an "unconscious" state.

Or you can make a choice to break free from that grind and live a life with purpose and consciousness.  A life where you can let go of your past and you stop obssessing about your future.  You live each moment in the NOW.  Whether it's your day at work, the meals you're cooking or time spent with friends and family - you focus just on the present and live that experience with passion.

As Eckhart Tolle explains so eloquently in his book "Power of Now", the key to becoming free of the egoic mind, with all its consequences, is to become deeply conscious of this present moment.

Presence is a "state of ... connectedness with something immeasurable and indestructible … that is essentially you and yet is much greater than you." That in turn enables us to enter into deeper relationships with others. 

An important element to Presence is showing Acceptance!  Rather than resisting life as it actually is in the present moment, one accepts it for what it is, without labelling or judgment. "Allowing it to be as it is … takes you beyond the mind with its resistance patterns …"

If you remember, I talked about this concept a while back in this blog entry! Since that time, I have been able to practice the power of synchronicity and it has yielded amazing results and growth.

Tolle speaks not only of acceptance of what is, but also of surrender to it. This "is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life … to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation."

This may easily be misunderstood and so I will clarify that no one is suggesting that anyone should accept for evermore some unpleasant situation in life. That is mere resignation. Surrender is a purely inner phenomenon, changing our attitude so we accept how things are at this moment. Then we can act positively to change the ongoing situation, and such positive action is likely to be far more effective than if it arose out of the anger, frustration or despair of resistance.

When your life reflects the principles of presence, connectedness and acceptance..you emanate the energy that attracts similar people to you and you experience relationships that are deep and meaningful.

That's when every day is a celebration of life.

My 40th birthday celebration was merely a symbolic salute to the ever present joy that is my LIFE . :)

The tradition of "Firsts"

The first year of any relationship has many "firsts" to it.  We usually associate the memory of "firsts" to something pleasant and happy.  Like, the first time you kissed, your first holiday together, celebrating each others' birthdays for the first time, your first valentine day, christmas, new year's eve... you get the idea! 

These milestones become bonus moments that add fun and excitement to your relationship.  You know you're going to reminisce about them and so you try and make it special.

On December 6, Steve and I will complete a year together.  It was on this date, last year that we had our perfect FIRST date !  Since that date, we've celebrated many "firsts" together.  This weekend, we will celebrate my birthday together for the first time. 

As our anniversary approaches in December, I don't see why this wonderful tradition of "firsts" should come to an end.  One of the things that I love about my relationship with Steve is that we're both always introducing each other to new experiences (even if it's something one of us is already very familiar with).

The tradition of "Firsts" is actually a lot more meaningful when the milestones that you are reminiscing are experiences and not just dates. In our first year together, here are some of our many individual firsts: 

1.  I heard music by Marillion and then attended their concert in Montreal

2.  I rode a Harley

3. Steve tried Masala Chai

4. Steve tried hakka chinese

5. Our ski weekend at Blue Mountain

6. Our almost fatal car mishap

7. Our first disagreement

8. I walked out of Steve in a movie (District 9) because I hated it.

9. Steve didn't eat something I cooked because it tasted like C4 dynamite and not food

You see, the firsts that we remember aren't always joyous celebrations.

Your first big disagreement, the first time he criticized you, your first frank discussion on finances, family etc.  These are all just as important in fostering growth and trust in a relationship.  The manner in which you handle these uncomfortable firsts is what will set the tone on how you approach these discussions/situations later on.  You can learn a lot about yourself, your partner and your relationship from these firsts.  You can use these first experiences as constructive tools and better them as we go.

So whether you're in a new relationship or have been in one for many years, don't be shy to do something you've never done before.  Create a whole new tradition of your own "firsts" and know that it's a "teaching moment" helping you to build the foundation on which you will grow, communicate and be enriched as a couple.

We're having a baby!!

My husband Steve is an entrepreneur and runs a very successful consulting business that caters to a very niche market (accountants in public practice).  He wears multiple hats and is often introduced as a columnist, author, speaker or consultant depending on his audience.

My own entrepreneurial ambitions are reflected in my role as MyBindi's CEO, my practice as a lawyer, a speaker on business ideas and author of this blog.

You would think that with so much going on we must never find any time to spend together!  This would have been true if each of us would be consumed by our work to the point where we shut the other person out and leave them isolated (or buried in their own work).

Fortunately, we both love sharing ideas about our work with each other and each of us truly enjoys and appreciates the feedback we receive from the other.  So much so, that we decided that it was time that we actually work together on a collaborative enterprise.

For most of us, the very idea of working with a spouse sounds, at best, dangerous, and, at worst, like a direct path to marital collapse.

Many couples work together and according to them running a business together often offers the best of both worlds: pursuing a professional dream with someone you love and respect, while getting a chance to spend more time with them.

Others believe that it's nearly impossible for couples to completely separate their work and personal lives which can lead to tension in the marriage. 

Couples that have done it successfully say that a key to maintaining both a strong business partnership and healthy marriage is to establish distinct responsibilities that do not overlap.  Yet, when personalities and business acumen mesh in a couple's professional life, these married entrepreneurial teams say the personal relationship often follows suit.

I suppose the good news for us is that Steve and I will continue to work and grow our own enterprises but this new venture will allow us an opportunity to create something together! 

It's going to be our BABY!! ;)

Right now, we are only at conception!!  We know what we want to create together and it will take us a few months to have everything ready before we are ready for delivery!  We'll be sure to keep you posted.

Life begins at 40!

On October 25, 2009 I will be turning 40. Forty.  Four Zero. I’m not upset about it or sad about it.  I'm actually looking forward to it!  So much has changed since my birthday last year.

I am married (who would have thunk!) and I am living in the burbs - about an hour away from Toronto - and I bet no one saw THAT coming!

But, as kids these days would say, It's ALL GOOD!!

In fact, it's so good that I intend to mark my 40th birthday as a special milestone with a big party!  Although the old cliche goes, Life begins at 40, in my case, this coming year truly heralds so many new beginnings.

Anyway, in honor of my birthday and in no particular order, here are my 40 thoughts about turning 40.

1) I feel way younger/healthier at 40 than I thought I would.

2) When my mum turned 40 I was already 20.

3) Last week, a stranger/teenager called me "aunty" and I did not cringe

4) My daughter will be 13 on my 40th birthday.

5) I am the youngest parent at the School PTA

6) I still haven't seen a single episode of Star Wars

7) I found out that menopause doesn't happen for another 10 years at least.

8) I prefer lounges to clubs..

9) ..and red wine to Smirnoff Ice

10) ..and restaurant menus to buffet meals!

11) .. and french manicure to red nails

12)  I still sing along when I am driving

13) I am not ashamed of challenging my daughter at Dance Dance Revolution. 

14) Sometimes I even win!

15) I haven't eaten KFC for at least 10 years and I doubt I ever will.

16) I have a new found love for cooking gourmet meals.

17) I haven't worn my gold jewelry for years.  I'd rather be seen in silver or diamonds ;)

18) I don't stereotype people as much as I used to.

19) I married someone who has tattoos and rides a Harley!

20) He's also one of the most intelligent, articulate, kind and loving person I know.

21) I truly, madly, deeply love him!

22) I am still nervous though sometimes on the Harley

23) I have read a lot more books than I thought I would

24) I have over 25 books at home right now that I have purchased and not yet gotten around to reading.

25) I still hate cleaning bathrooms, gardening and taking the garbage out.

26) So I don't do it.

27) I would never get anywhere on time if it wasn't for my GPS.

28) I am addicted to my iPhone

29) I am a much kinder person today than I was at 30.

30) I have a secret crush on Rahul Bose. He is 42

31) I have more than a thousand friends on facebook

32) There's only a handful though that I actually consider to be my friends.

33)  I am on a career path that excites me - no, really, I LOVE what I do!

34)  I don't think I would ever want to retire

35)  I still think of new business ideas that I want to explore.

36)  I learned from my daughter to have a curiosity about everything

37) She is one of my best teachers

38) My daughter makes me so proud!

39) I have a much better relationship with my parents now than I did when I was 20 or 30.

40) I would like to think that I make my parents proud

Happy Birthday to me!! :)

Redefining the Honeymoon

I love reading and I especially love reading books on the subject of self-development so it should come as no surprise to you that, in my lifetime, I must have read a few dozen books on relationships. Most books and experts that talk about relationships talk about the "honeymoon" phase like it's some illusory period bearing no links to reality.

Most couples go on a honeymoon soon after their wedding.  A honeymoon can be anything from a weekend away to a nearby resort/destination or a week or two week long trip somewhere far and exotic.  Honeymoons by their nature are generally short and, as such, this term is also often used to describe the early harmonious period in any relationship (for example: The honeymoon between the new President and the press was soon over).

The perception therefore is that the honeymoon is some sort of temporary, unrealistic scenario where things will inevitably be rosy and harmonious and a time for the newly-married couple to be intimate without interruptions.  This period will soon end and reality will take over.  At least, that's the spin most experts  have on the concept of the honeymoon.

If our wedding took a lot of people by surprise our honeymoon plans will likely shock them!  We didn't go away after the wedding.  In fact, the first "get away" we had since our wedding was a weekend in Toronto at the Sheraton downtown where I was busy managing a big conference for over 900 delegates.  I was the content chair responsible for all the conference panels and speakers, I was a speaker at one of the panels, and my company (MyBindi.com) had a booth set up in the Exhibitor area.  So, yes, that was no honeymoon!

Our honeymoon will be when Steve and I go away on a western caribbean cruise in December!  Except, we're not doing this to get away from work and friends.  The cruise has a strong Bollywood component and is sponsored by MyBindi.com.  We've even invited about a dozen friends who will be going with us!!  We figured if we're going to sail on a cruise with hundreds of strangers, we might as well have some friends along. 

If people can have destination weddings where they invite all guests to attend the wedding at a resort far away - why couldn't we have a destination honeymoon and celebrate our new relationship with our friends!  If you would like to join us on this cruise and sail away with us...send me an email and I will give you details on how you can take advantage of our special group pricing!

We'll be surrounded by friends, check out some really great beaches and party bollywood style. Of course, I'll still do some work (the ship has wi-fi, i checked!!) and when we're back in Toronto it won't feel like the honeymoon is over!  It'll be life as usual.

Then again, one could say, our marriage and the life we share together will always feel like a honeymoon! :)

Wedding Debrief: The wedding guestlist

In my experience, perhaps the most stressful part of planning a wedding is agreeing on the wedding guest list.  When you first plan the guest list , you want to invite everyone you know because, after all, you're celebrating one of the most important milestones of your life and so you want to share it as many people as you can.

When I was younger and at my first wedding, there were over 700 people (possibly more) in attendance.  The guest list was drawn up by my parents (not surprising since they paid for the wedding).  It included their friends, neighbours, distant relatives, colleagues, acquaintances and business associates.  I probably had less than a dozen people at that wedding that I would consider my guests.

This time around, my first draft of the guestlist started with about 200 person.  I'm almost 40 now and happen to know a lot of people.  So it wasn't surprising that my initial list was so extensive. 

Anyone that knows me knows that I love to entertain.  Whether it's a summer soiree or a new year's brunch, an Oscar party or Barrack Obama election watch, I am always game to host an event and have friends over. I love connecting people and I have an eclectic collection of friends. My parties are usually very popular because you never know whom you might meet!

So when it was time to put together a wedding guest list, I simply came up with the names of all the usual suspects from my rolodex roster. Friends, Colleagues, Business Associates, Acquaintances and other Movers & Shakers!  And then I saw Steve's list.  He had just over 20 persons on his list.  And, he was able to explain to me the special relationship he shared with each one of those guests.  That's when I knew it was time for me to go back to the drawing board,

As I looked at each name on my preliminary guest list, I ended up asking myself, "why is this person on my wedding guest list and why do I want him/her at my wedding".  This, for me, was the most revealing part of understanding, evaluating and appreciating my personal relationships.

There are probably many books written on the etiquette and protocols of putting together a wedding list.  I didn't follow any of them.  There are probably many people that I should have invited to the wedding that didn't get an invite.  Some of them are family members and some of them are good friends.  Some are important business clients and others are colleagues/mentors that I very much respect and admire. 

Fortunately, most of them understood where I was coming from and did not take the slightest offence.  They sent me their good wishes and congratulations nonetheless via cards, emails, text messages and facebook comments.  Some even surprised me with gifts and flowers (much to my surprise!!). To all these friends, I offer my gratitude and thanks!! 

A small number of them took offence and decided to boycott me from their social calendar altogether and pretty much eliminated me from their guest lists.  Oh well, I just shrug and say, it's their loss not mine.

I decided that I did not want my wedding to become a networking event, a mixer, or a "spot the celebrity" junket.  And so, despite getting a confirmation from the caterer that we could have up to 90 guests at the venue, we only ended up inviting about 80 guests of which just under 60 guests were able to actually attend.

It was a small wedding but it was so meaningful. Everywhere I looked, I saw happy smiles, joyous emotions and sincere good wishes.  By the end of the evening, I can confidently say that every guest at my wedding spoke with and got a chance to speak with almost every other guest in attendance.  It's not often that one can experience this kind of intimacy at a wedding.

It is said that you can tell so much about a person from the company they keep or the books they read.  To this, I would perhaps add, you can tell so much about a couple from their wedding guests.

Love, Lace and Promises!

If there was ever a weekend to get married outdoors this summer, it was last weekend!  Of course, Steve and I didn't know this when, on a cold wintery day in February,  we picked  August 15 as our wedding day. 

As it turned out, the day was perfect and the mehndi/sangeet and wedding ceremonies were both simply amazing (if I may say so myself!!).  My friends (you know who you are) did an amazing job decorating my home with rangoli and lamps.  You brought colour and vibrancy to the event and filled up a large empty house with love and happiness using fabric, flowers, music and light as your medium. 

Every single vendor we chose did an OUTSTANDING job.  I have listed all their names and services below and would readily endorse them for their wonderful work!

The guests in attendance were a beautiful mix of our past and our present.  My family (some of them well in their seventies) flew in from BC and Alberta as did my cousins (with their families).  In attendance was my friend Mumtaz whom i have known since I was a five year old in India, my friend Sneha who I met while at University in Bombay and some of my closest friends that I have known since I have been in Toronto for the last decade!

There was so much love, laughter and happiness in the room.  Everywhere I turned, people were smiling - genuinely happy for my new life with Steve and it felt so incredible. The mood of the weekend is perhaps best captured by our photographer Amelia who wrote this entry on her blog soon after our wedding!

Speaking of photography, we are pleased  to share a little snapshot of our mehndi and wedding celebrations with you with these slideshows:

Mehndi Slide Show

I would be totally remiss if I didn't thank the following vendors for their absolutely stellar services.

Our photographer was Amelia from Flirt Photography

My make up and hair was done by Malinda from Banglez

Bridal and guest henna was by Kinnery

The Bridal Suite  was decorated by Monika and Nirmala from A Night of Romance

My Wedding Planner was Tahseen from TS Weddings & Events

My jewelry was from Dagmar Designer Jewelry

My wedding saree was from Sheetal in Bombay

Our Wedding Slide Show

Our DJ/Event Producer was Neil from New Culture Productions

Classical Music was by Ravi from Sangeet Shastria

The Wedding Decor was by Manish from Dulhan Mandap

Wedding Catering was by Pepperwood

Lastly, so many of you wrote in to me via email/facebook congratulating us.  It meant a lot to us us both to see your messages and although you were not physically present with us, the love and positive energy that you sent our way was very evident in the ceremony and our ensuing celebrations.

Thank you for your lovely sentiments.   

It's now time for me to reflect on the future of this blog and see what direction it will take.  I am no longer a single woman and I am no longer even in Toronto!

But, hey, I am still Sy and I am still in a city and my journey in life (and love) is still an ongoing one.  So maybe I will continue to share my stories with you as I live, love, learn and grow!

Sound good? :)

The man, a minister and a marriage license

It was a little over two years ago that I started writing this blog.  I was a single mum at the time, a bay street lawyer and a city girl to the core.

Over the years, I have learned to focus on what's important and to take swift action when it was time to make choices.  Carpe Diem is the name of the game and you have to learn NOT to sweat the small stuff.

When it seemed right, I gave up my fancy office in the ivory tower to pursue a career I truly love and am passionate about.  When I met the man I knew I wanted to marry, I said YES within ten weeks of meeting him.  Within weeks, we put an offer on the house we both loved and, without any regrets, I sold my home in the kingsway and my condo in downtown Toronto. I am loving Burlington!

And now, our wedding is just a little over two weeks away!

My wedding planner (and she's amazing) sends me documents with long lists of items that remain unchecked.  I still don't have a "first song", we don't plan on having a rehearsal, I don't even have sandals yet for my outfit, and my saree blouse was only taken to the tailor yesterday to get stitched.

My caterers want to know what my preference is for table linens.  Do I need regular glasses or flutes for the welcome drink? I don't have the traditional round tables  - It's an outdoor party.  The wedding is at our home and the reception is in our backyard!  The whole idea is to have all our guests mingle with each other and not be stuck at tables.

I don't have a maid of honour and I don't have bridesmaids.  I don't have seating plans and I don't have a pre-determined music playlist.  We don't have a wedding program and we're not even printing menus.  We still don't know what we're giving our guests as wedding favours.

And yes they're all important details but, in the grand scheme of things, it's all small stuff.  Our guests will be there to celebrate one of the happiest milestones of our lives.  They won't care if the napkins are not monogrammed or that there are no ice sculptures.  They won't care that seats were not assigned or that there wasn't a receiving line.

Like me, they will be content because the three most important elements of this day will be there with me: the Man i am about to marry, the minister who will marry us and our marriage license!

I will see you all after August 15 when I will return to this blog as a married woman!!  Until then, you can keep in touch with me via my "wedding blog" on www.steveandsalima.com which I will be updating regularly for the next three weeks as I document our wedding planning and other stories ;)

Lessons from Tupperware!

Do you remember getting one of those email forwards which goes something like, "You know you're Indian if..." and then lists about 10 to 15 idiosyncrasies that are typical among South Asians.  One of them (and I am guilty of this) is reusing old margarine/yogurt containers.  My mum started this in our house many years ago when she first moved here from India.  When there's left overs, she would simply transfer it to a margarine or yogurt container and deposit it in the fridge to be consumed later.  Of course, this meant that at any given time if you opened the door to our refrigerator, you'd see anywhere between 3-5 containers or margarine and an assortment of yogurt containers.

This was often very frustrating.  If you're looking for margarine, you'd end up opening a container which had left over butter chicken.  If you wanted yogurt, you'd find a container that actually had biryani!  The worst thing was that so often things would simply go to waste because we'd forget what we had in all these containers and because we could not see inside them, they'd just sit there and rot and then get tossed!

One of the first changes Steve and I have implemented in our new house is to use real tupperware!!  It sounds like a small, petty detail but I can't tell you how refreshing this has been for me.   I love opening the fridge to find nice clear boxes that tell me exactly what's inside them.  We can see our left over pasta, rice, veggies all as soon as we open the fridge. There's only one margarine container (and it's got margarine in it) and same with yogurt!  We actually get to "use" our leftovers, we're more efficient with how we store items and the fridge is just aesthetically so much more pleasing.  Transparency is the key!!

As individuals, we have much to learn from this.  Sometimes, we tend to stow away our emotions or opinions on certain issues in generic containers.  People on the outside cannot see what's in there so they cannot help us resolve them.  We forget or ignore addressing the issues because we've not openly acknowledged them ourselves by seeing things as they are.  And so these emotions rot away in our opaque, generic, containers and then instead of dealing with them, we just end up tossing it away.

Like organizing a good fridge, the key to a clutter free life is also transparency!!  If you have an issue with a friend or a partner, store it in clear, transparent tupperware so that it's open for others to see and understand and is also a reminder for you to address the issue while it can still be meaningfully salvaged.

Do you agree?

Home Sweet Home!

They say that after the death of a loved one, moving home is one of the most stressful experiences.  Changing jobs is right after that.  Well, if our move this past weekend is anything to go by, we can definitely endorse that statement.

The purchase of our new home depended on the sale of my existing home (as we were relying on some of those sale proceeds to be applied towards the purchase of the new home).  This sale did not get completed until just a few minutes before 5 pm.  That means, that although we had the requisite funds, we did not have enough time (teraview - the electronic land registration system shuts down at 5 pm!) to close the purchase of our own home.  So, here we were, at 5 pm, with two large tractor trailers full of all of personal possessions and potentially with no home to go to!  Our lawyer saved the day by giving a personal undertaking to the vendor's lawyer and we were granted access to the house at 7 pm on Friday (even though the transaction would officially close on Monday).

Despite the stress, Steve and I managed to stay cheerful and optimistic all through the day but by 5 pm, the anxiety was definitely taking its toll on us.  It was such a relief to finally get the key to the house.  We started unloading around 7 pm and the movers left at 2.30 in the morning. 

Yes, the move was insanely stressful but we survived it. And, at 2.30 am, even though we were sweaty and smelly and exhausted with blisters on our feet, the sparkle in our eyes was undeniable.  We did it!!

We are finally together in the same house, starting our new life together and it was worth every bit of the stress and fatigue!  We were surrounded by hundreds of boxes and disorganized mayhem but that didn't matter. We knew we were home!

Now all we have to do is plan our wedding which is in less than six weeks.  Did I just hear someone say that "wedding planning is stressful"?

Well, I say, bring it on! :)