Tiger Mom vs. Mama Bear – Which One Would You Rather Be?

Tiger Mom Amy Chua has rocked the “Western” mom-osphere with her new book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, becoming the latest flashpoint in the parenting world.

 

For an in-depth discussion, check out The Agenda with Steve Paikin, which dedicated a full hour to this issue: http://www.tvo.org/cfmx/tvoorg/theagenda/index.cfm?page_id=7&bpn=779938&ts=2011-01-21%2020:00:00.0

 

Her claim is essentially this:  Chinese kids consistently outperform their Western counterparts because of the strict manner in which they have been raised.  Whereas Western parents may encourage learning, they are overall more lax in how far they push their children to achieve academic or artistic excellence.  The Western motto is “try your best” and to praise outcomes that fall short of that best in order to preserve a child’s self-esteem.  Chinese parents, on the other hand, assume strength and not fragility in a child’s character and believe them capable of achieving the best, so they do whatever is necessary in pursuit of the highest standards.  If that means 3 hours of piano practice every night or endless academic drills, then so be it.  For them, happiness follows success.

 

An interesting argument, to be sure.  And, in a way, who can argue with the logic?  After all, there has to be some explanation for the fact that so many Chinese children do turn out to be math whizzes, musical prodigies or other high achievers.

 

Take Amy Chua herself.  A law professor at Yale and the author of published books, by all objective accounts she is eminently accomplished.  She credits her achievements to her strict upbringing by her immigrant Chinese parents, a parenting style Amy Chua now advocates and practices with her own two daughters.  

 

So, for instance, while her two daughters were growing up, they were never allowed to:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

 

Hmmm. 

 

It strikes me that these measures seem a bit extreme.  

 

As parents we walk a fine line on virtually every issue.  For instance, I am now trying to teach my 5-year old about independence while also teaching her about safety vis-à-vis strangers.  Giving her some room to learn for herself is important to her confidence and decision-making abilities, in other words, her personal growth.  But keeping her out of harm’s way is of paramount importance to us.  So we teach her about safety.  We give her some rules and guidelines, and have discussions.  Now consider this:  we could have achieved this same goal by taking the extreme measure of never allowing her to leave home.  We would achieve one goal but significantly impact another.  While Amy Chua’s daughters may be superstar performers at school and in their pre-selected extra-curricular activities, I cannot imagine the absence of some significant impacts on other areas of their development.

 

So here is the way I see it.  Amy Chua’s approach is flawed for 2 principal reasons. 

 

First, she presupposes that her definition of success is the only kind of success that has any value.  To her, to be the A-student or the artistic maestro or to simply be the best, is the only laudable goal.  But is competitiveness really the only worthwhile value in life?  Does being second best or even average make a person’s worth inferior?  What about teaching your children about the value of other worthwhile goals such as emotional happiness, spiritual growth, or social connectivity?  Studies have shown that these factors are significantly relevant to living a well-balanced, fulfilled and happy life.

 

Which brings me to my second problem with her approach.  Balance. Or rather, lack thereof.  Her approach is so imbalanced, without moderation, off-kilter I would suggest.  If success really is a more complex notion than her simplistic definition, then imparting the necessary skills and values to our children is a more nuanced exercise than simply yelling at our kids until they achieve! perform! succeed!  Amy Chua’s harshness and uncompromising nature, her use of disparaging language (calling her daughters “garbage”) when they failed to measure up, her willingness to have screaming fits until they satisfied her standards shocked me. 

 

Now, I do not doubt Amy Chau’s love for her kids.  Rather, I applaud the single-minded dedication with which she imparted her values to her daughters.

 

But I do challenge those values. 

 

And her methodology.

There are other ways of achieving excellence without being a fierce Tiger Mom.  As a case in point, I think it is fair to say that South Asians are a fairly high achieving group, wouldn’t you agree?  I grew up in one of those families, within a larger Punjabi community.  There were rules, even strict ones, and a definitive focus on high academic achievement.  But rather than the ferocity of the Tiger Mom, we were raised with the more tender and protective nudge of a Mama Bear.  

 

I think the results speak for themselves.  And now, I have got to run. My daughter’s friend is coming for a sleepover tonight.

 

Comments

[Bryan]

I would tend to agree with you, Niru. While Chinese kids get top marks and get into university, they come out without poor communications skills, which are the key to career success. I generalize, of course, but Tiger Moms breed children who have no communicatiosn skills.

On the other hand, speaking as white male parent with a Brit background, I can also attest to my parents pushing strongly for us to achieve academic and employment success.