Sy in the City

Home Sweet Home!

They say that after the death of a loved one, moving home is one of the most stressful experiences.  Changing jobs is right after that.  Well, if our move this past weekend is anything to go by, we can definitely endorse that statement.

The purchase of our new home depended on the sale of my existing home (as we were relying on some of those sale proceeds to be applied towards the purchase of the new home).  This sale did not get completed until just a few minutes before 5 pm.  That means, that although we had the requisite funds, we did not have enough time (teraview - the electronic land registration system shuts down at 5 pm!) to close the purchase of our own home.  So, here we were, at 5 pm, with two large tractor trailers full of all of personal possessions and potentially with no home to go to!  Our lawyer saved the day by giving a personal undertaking to the vendor's lawyer and we were granted access to the house at 7 pm on Friday (even though the transaction would officially close on Monday).

Despite the stress, Steve and I managed to stay cheerful and optimistic all through the day but by 5 pm, the anxiety was definitely taking its toll on us.  It was such a relief to finally get the key to the house.  We started unloading around 7 pm and the movers left at 2.30 in the morning. 

Yes, the move was insanely stressful but we survived it. And, at 2.30 am, even though we were sweaty and smelly and exhausted with blisters on our feet, the sparkle in our eyes was undeniable.  We did it!!

We are finally together in the same house, starting our new life together and it was worth every bit of the stress and fatigue!  We were surrounded by hundreds of boxes and disorganized mayhem but that didn't matter. We knew we were home!

Now all we have to do is plan our wedding which is in less than six weeks.  Did I just hear someone say that "wedding planning is stressful"?

Well, I say, bring it on! :)

The Power of Purge

As you know, I will soon be moving into a new house.  Inevitably, this means that I have been spending much of the last couple of weeks and will spend the next few days packing!  Unlike most people who hate this part about a move, I actually like packing!

Not only do you find things that you had long assumed were lost, the best part about packing for a move is that it gives you a real opportunity to declutter, cleanse and purge.

I've never been a pack rat or a fan of clutter.  I like homes and places that are minimalist in design.  Our new home is a sprawling 8,000 square feet and one of my biggest fears was that Steve and I would end up dumping the contents of two houses into that one home.  Thankfully, for me, Steve is not a fan of clutter either. He likes open spaces outdoors and enjoys them just as much indoors.  So as we pack we're also purging.

De-cluttering has more than just tangible benefits.  When we discard things that we have accumulated over the years, not only are we freeing up valuable space but there is a very real psychological benefit as well. It can be emotionally very healing to finally let go of something that by its physical presence continues to spiral you towards sadness.  Holding on to such memories is not in your best interests.

Decluttering is a key to a sense of well being.  It means simply to remove things that you don't really need.

Here are the questions I ask myself when I declutter:

• Do I love this item?
• Have I used it in the past year?
• Is it really garbage?
• Do I have another one that is better?
• Should I really keep two?
• Does it have sentimental value that causes me to love it?
• Or does it give me guilt and make me sad when I see the item?

I cleanse the room of everything that does not make me SMILE.

And while we're on the subject of declutter, take some time and declutter other aspects of your life as well:

Declutter your workspace  (This is self-explanatory)

Declutter your computer and online habits

This means cleaning up your RSS-feeds. Just keep the ones that really gives you value. Remove the rest. 

Declutter your bookmarks. Go through it and remove bookmarks you never use. Organize the rest into     categories. It will make it a lot easier to find what you are looking for.

Defragment your computer, remove the programs you never use

Clean up your desktop

Declutter your life

PVR your favourite TV-shows and fast-forward through the commercials. Limit the number of shows you watch and only watch the ones you´ve decided on in advance. Cancel subscriptions of magazines that you never get around to reading anyway.

Always carry a pen and paper. Write down every important thought. I always have a little red notebook that I carry in my purse for just this reason.  Getting it out of your head not only frees your mind to think about more important things, it also reassures you that none of those excellent ideas and must-dos are forgotten.

Time is one of your most valuable resources. Don´t do something or keep something just out of old habit. What value does this thing or habit hold for you today? What would the impact in the future be if you did it/kept it? If the habit or thing doesn´t hold much value or won´t have an important effect on your future then consider removing it from your life. And fill that space and time in your life with something better.

Learn to say no. If you constantly say yes you´ll be out of spare time before you know it. Much of your time will be spent doing things for others that you may not really want to do. And stress and unhappiness will ensue. Think about a suggestion and before you say yes ask yourself; do I really want to do this? What is the value in doing this? Do I really have the time to do it? Sometimes you have to do it anyway, but not always. You might want to be kind and helpful to people. But being overstressed and eventually burning out will not help you or anyone else.

Feel free to add some of your own ideas :)

An Ex-cellent Situation

Steve and I are only a few weeks away from the day when we'll finally be living together in the same house.  After finding our dream house back in February, it's been quite the roller coaster ride for us to dispose off our existing real estate portfolio and embrace the pride and joy of shared home ownership.

What makes this move even more meaningful is that, in some respect, we're not losing either of our existing homes.  We've leased Steve's house for three years to a lovely couple.  This gives us enough time to ride the real estate depression until the market gets robust again.

My own house in Etobicoke is being purchased by my ex-husband.  We had purchased this house together in 2000 and soon after our separation in 2002, he moved out of the house but stayed in the neighbourhood.  At that time, I had acquired his interest in the property and it became my home.  Over the years, I did extensive renovations to the house (always in consultation with my ex as he's always been more knowledgeable about contractors, gadgets and appliances).  After seven years, it's alomost poetic that he will reclaim the house that was once ours and then mine and will now be his.

They say that houses are more than just structures of brick and mortar.  They house within their walls, ceilings and floorboards the very essence, energy and aura of the people that occupy that structure.  Our house has always been home for all three of us (my ex, myself and my daughter).  Despite the marital breakdown, the energy in the home has always been happy and vibrant.  The house bears testimony to the many celebrations, parties and guests that have been welcomed. 

I've always felt blessed for the wonderful relationship I share with my ex-husband.  Not many can say that.  Still fewer have the privilege of transitioning ownership of the once-family home back and forth with such ease.  As my daughter Imaan says, "I'm probably the only person that moves out of  and then moves in to the SAME house". 

On Friday, June 26, the house will go from being Mummy's house to Daddy's house but it's so comforting to know that it will remain her home!  And, Steve and I have been invited there to dinner soon after the closing so that the men can get acquainted with each other!

I have to say, that is an Ex-cellent start indeed :)

Dating Men with kids

One of my friends is dating someone with kids. It’s a situation that confuses her and frightens her. It’s tough when you’re dating someone with kids (especially if you have none of your own) because you know that at some point you become a “Stepmom” who, thanks to fairytales like Cinderella, Snowwhite and Sleeping Beauty, has been forever tainted with a reputation of being evil and conniving. Interestingly enough, there’s not much said about Stepdads. They have a certain advantage in that they don’t have to overcome a preconceived and established negative stereotype that step mums have to.

Seeing that I will soon be getting married and joining a family that has two adult kids, I was asked how I felt about acquiring the “stepmom” designation. In my honest opinion, I know it’s going to have its challenges but I also know that Steve and I are prepared to manage them fairly and with sensitivity. According to Wednesday Martin's fascinating new book, "Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel and Act the Way We Do," even with a number of circumstances working in your favor -- a husband who supports your feelings, a happily repartnered ex-wife, stepchildren whose ages fall outside of the danger zone for rejecting adults in their lives (ages 10 to 16) -- women who marry men with kids have a long, perilous path ahead of them almost across the board.

According to "Stepmonster," most stepmothers will have a difficult time with their new role "certainly in the earliest phases of stepfamily formation and perhaps intermittently for decades." Martin points out that many stepchildren -- even adult stepchildren -- have negative feelings about their stepmothers that often have nothing whatsoever to do with the women themselves. Although stepmothers are often perceived as "cold" or "controlling," stepchildren are prone to projecting onto them anger that they have towards their fathers that they can't express, guilt over their unhappy (or deceased) mothers, and negative feelings about their parents' divorces or bereavement.

Stepchildren are often as put off by generosity and kindness by their stepmoms ("Stop trying to be my mother!") as they are by respectful distance ("You always play favorites with your own kids, while I'm the outsider!"). Whatever decisions a stepmother and father make behind the scenes together, those decisions are often perceived as coming from the stepmother alone. She's taken over the father's life; he's an innocent victim to her scheming. Stepchildren, even when they're adults, often experience stepmothers as having "stolen" their fathers from them.

Martin explains that stepmothers are up against such a strong negative bias that they have trouble getting support from friends or family. Remarks that I could easily make about the challenges of raising my own child will likely be strictly forbidden in relation to my stepsons. As Martin's book emphasizes, most people's advice to stepmothers -- Be nicer! Think of everything from the kid's perspective! Suck it up, you chose this! -- while understandable from the outside looking in, really, truly doesn't help.

The truth is that many stepmothers work so hard to "be nicer" that they lose their footing in the family and their needs become subordinated to the greater good, often until they feel like ghosts in their own homes. So what's a well-meaning but flawed stepmother to do?  Here are some good tips from Martins:

1. Abandon an overly child-centric view of how the new family should function.

Not surprisingly, when everyone -- stepmom, dad, mom -- struggles to please the children first and foremost, the kids end up confused, petulant and overly entitled, a situation that doesn't help them to form healthy boundaries over the long haul. Dr. Andrew Gotzis, a New York psychiatrist and therapist, tells Martin, "The kids need to know that the husband and wife (stepmother) come first and that they are a unified team."

2. Forget the idealized "blended" label and try not to do everything together all the time, "in spite of your urge to be the Waltons."

Emphasis on activities with dad and stepchild or stepmom and stepchild tend to strengthen individual relationships instead of feeding into a group dynamic that is, by nature, imperfect and confusing.

3. Seek out support and validation among those who understand.

Learning that stepfamilies do fight and that there are insider/outsider positions in the stepfamily or that it's normal to dislike your stepchildren, for example, can make something that feels like a terrible personal failure feel normal.

In the end, as stepfamily researcher Lucile Duberman once put it, "A stepmother must be exceptional in order to be considered adequate."

Do you agree? If there are any stepmoms or stepkids among my readers, please share your comments. I’d love you hear your views.

Worth fighting for..

I've known Steve a little over six months.  While I know that's not a very long time in terms of a relationship, the fact that we've managed to get engaged, buy a house together and are planning a wedding this summer is some indication that we're spending a lot of time together.

I am often asked to recount stories about our first date or the first time we acknowledged we loved each other.  I am also often asked about our "first fight".  And, this is where I have no story.  As strange as it might seem, Steve and I are yet to have our first fight.  I'm not talking about fists and broken dishware kind of fights (i doubt we'll ever have those) but we've not even had a single "raised voices, argumentative" dialogue that couples tend to have which generally result in slamming doors or extended periods of sulking by one person.

Our friends and family have also noticed this and have joked about it.  My daughter wonders if Steve EVER gets angry about anything and Steve's boys tease him about getting into a fight with me just to see which way I go.

Steve and I have also laughed about this.  In my view, fighting is nothing more than a very raw form of communication. The reason Steve and I don't get into fights is because we're both very good communicators.  When we see a conflict in our relationship, we do not perceive it to be a "either win or lose" situation. In that context, conflicts become unattractive and dangerous.

We view our conflicts as signals from the relationship saying, 'Something has to change. Pay attention here.' That's when we communicate by having a dialogue about it.  And once you understand this, conflict can become the doorway to more intimacy in all areas: emotional, sexual, spiritual, and intellectual."

So what are some of the areas that generally create conflicts among couples?  According to relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, the top five things that couples argue about are (and roughly in this order):

    *      Money
    *      Sex
    *      Work
    *      Children
    *      Housework

Money

A study commissioned by Smart Money magazine and Redbook found that more than 70 percent of couples talked to their partner about money at least once a week. With all of this communication, where are we going wrong?

"When a couple has any problem, it's because of a power imbalance," says Donna Laikind, a marriage and family therapist who counsels couples on money issues. "Money is not seen as the commodity that it should be. It's fraught with layers and layers of meaning."

The respondents in the study said they fought most often about debt, spousal spending and then their own purchases. They worried about saving for retirement, taking risks with investments and loaning money to the kids. It's common in many relationships for one partner to be a "spender" while the other is a "saver," which is where much of the conflict arises.

Although the study found most couples (64 percent) merge all of their money into joint accounts when they get married, this isn't always the best option for everyone. "Married couples should try different ways of handling the money to see what works for them," says Ginita Wall, CFP and co-founder of the Women's Institute for Financial Education.

Says Ruth Hayden, author of "For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples," the best choice to avoid conflict may include keeping some accounts separate. "You should have some autonomy money, I should have some autonomy money, and we need to learn how to practice being a couple together with our money."

Sex

"Sex can be a wonderful cementer or a terrible wedge [for relationships]," says Dr. Linda Banner, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and a researcher associated with Stanford University Medical School.

While the average adult has sex 61 times a year, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center, emotional and physical problems can drive that number significantly down. (Studies have also found that couples in happier marriages have sex more often.)

According to Hall, "Arguing about how often to have sex is nearly always about feeling loved and cared for and deeper needs for connection and affection."

"A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically]."

However, with many people leading hectic lives, sex often gets put on the backburner. "The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in," Schoen says.

As long as physical problems are not at play, a sex therapist can help couples to regain a sense of intimacy. "Much of the fix is grounded in communication and reprioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex," says Jan Sinatra, a psychotherapist and co-author of "Heart Sense for Women."

Work

Deciding how much time to devote to a career, family and a spouse is a major issue among some couples, as devoting time to each is a significant task. Combine this with deciding who will take care of the family and household and work can become a major battlefront for couples.

Studies show that couples who fight have happier marriages than those who avoid conflict altogether.

Issues about career often come down to differences in expectations. While one partner may envision spending weekends together, the other may want to spend Saturday putting in extra hours at the office. Or, if both partners work, dividing roles at home is a must so one partner doesn't feel he or she is taking on an unfair amount of responsibility.

"Most rows start because of differences of opinion, but with patience and basic communication skills you should be able to negotiate a compromise," said Hall.

Children

Bringing children into the mix brings up a whole new host of potential problems, from how to discipline the children to arguing in front of the kids to saving for college educations. You may also argue about whether or not to have children at all and/or fertility issues that may arise.

The biggest areas of disagreement for couples who have children include money, finding enough time for each other and other responsibilities, sex, and dealing with the in-laws (and their advice on how to raise your family).

When it comes to raising a family together, the most important thing you can do to preserve your relationship, says Hall, is talk.

"Talk, talk, talk and more talk. It can be difficult to keep lines of communication open when you're both busy and exhausted, but it's the most important thing you can do to prevent minor issues becoming major problems," says Hall.

Housework

Though it sounds trivial, household chores are a major source of conflict for couples, not because of the actual tasks but because of their underlying meaning.

"Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth," Hall points out.

Indeed, if one partner feels they are putting in more effort around the house, it brings up notions that the other person does not respect the other enough to help out. It also brings up issues of power, especially if the person making more money feels they shouldn't have to pitch in around the home.

"Love and respect are essential ingredients in a relationship and sometimes housework becomes the battleground where you fight for these needs. Housework can become a distraction from the main issue," says Hall.

Further adding to the potential conflict is that everyone has different opinions about what a "clean" home should be. If one partner is a "neat freak" and the other is more laid back, it can lead to a constant struggle. Hall recommends the following tips for avoiding housework-related arguments:

    *        Sit down and talk about housework. How was it handled when you were a child, and how does this affect you today?

    *        Negotiate a "tidiness standard" that you are both happy with.

    *      Come to an agreement about who should do which chores.

    *        Talk about whether your housework-related arguments may have a deeper meaning.

How have you resolved conflicts in your relationship?? Do Share!

Things to do this summer

Two summers ago, I wrote this entry about some of my favourite things to do in the summer.  Whether you're dating or in a committed relationship, they are all still great activities to participate in as you get to know your partner.  These are activities I participate in each year and I am looking forward to introducing Steve to some of these activities as this will be our first summer together!!

 That said, there are some new things that we will be doing this summer (activities that he will  introduce me to or things we're both planning to start together) and since I have a list handy, I thought I would share it with you. 

1.  Toronto FC game:   When you're marrying a Brit, the soccer mania comes with the territory!  I've never been to a Toronto FC game (or any live soccer game) in Canada so I am quite looking forward to it.

2.  The Motorcycle Diaries: Steve's other love is his harley.  I expect there will be many road trips as we tour on his bike.  I better start practising on traveling light so that I can pack everything I need into a backpack!

3.  Walks and Runs:   If you remember, I made a new year's resolution early this year to complete the half-marathon before my 40th birthday (this October).  So, Steve and I will be doing a lot of walking and running this summer.  We just completed the 5K Spring Sprint last weekend and will be doing the Partnership Walk on May 31, the Toronto Challenge on June 14, CIBC Run for Cure (you get the idea!).  It's a great way foy us to remain committed to our goal, participate in a fitness activity, and support a good cause at the same time!

4. Learn to Sail/Powerboat: We'll soon be moving into our new home which is on the water.  This opens a whole new mode of transportation for us! But before we can experiment with waterways (how nice it will be to not be stuck on the QEW!) to bring us to downtown TO, we'll need to learn a thing or two (or a few) about boats and safety and all that fun stuff.  Might be a good idea to take some lessons to get us going.

 5. Explore Burlington:  The best thing about moving to a new city is that you get to create new lists!!  Our new favourite restaurants, cafes, stores, and places to go and things to do in the City of Burlington.  I visited the city's website and am so excited to see that they have lots of festivals and events centred around Burlington's waterfront.  Did you know Burlington has all these beautiful waterfalls?  We'll be spending a lot of time this summer discovering new patios and walking/cycling along the waterfront trail which is just a few minutes from our home.

6.  Get Married!  haha, how could I forget this one!  Steve and I are getting married in August so there's going to be a lot of planning/activities around the big day.

7.  Read, Read, Read!  We both love books and often spend hours in each others company without exchanging a word (because we're both totally immersed in our books).  

8.  Movie Nights:  As with books, we're discovering that we have both seen movies that we love and that the other person hasn't even heard of (or hasn't got around to seeing).  So, once a week, we try and catch up with each other's movie recommendations.  Two weeks ago, I made Steve see "Blood Diamond" (yup, don't know how he managed to miss that).  Last week, we saw "Reservoir Dogs" (Steve can't believe that I hadn't yet seen it). It's a wonderful way for us to play catch up with each others' lives as the movie session inevitably leads to a "I saw this film with/when..." discussion by the person who has already seen it.

So, what are some activities that you've got planned for this summer?  Do share!! :)

Blue Collar blues

There's a show on TV called "King of Queens".  It features a middle class couple from Queens, NY.  The wife (Carrie) is a law clerk or some sort of paralegal in a Manhattan law firm and the husband (Doug) is a driver for UPS (or similar postal service).  It's an odd match.  Carrie is ambitious, physically active, well dressed and always looking for ways to move up the career ladder.  Doug is overweight, snacks on junk food, hangs out with the guys (poker and TV) and shows little or no motivation to move up the career ladder. 

Episode after episode reveals this innate characteristic of both characters and how doug in his own well meaning but bumbling way ends up saying or doing something silly. Each episode then ends with the couple declaring their love for each other despite their differences and snuggling up as happy couples do.

It's a predictable show like most sitcoms are. You can't help but like Doug and Carrie and you do want them to be together because they love each other.   However, that's all good on a television sitcom.  Is that how it really works in real life?

I tried to think if I knew any couples (and I know many many couples) that would fit the Carrie and Doug mould.  You know, where one of them is a "bay street professional" or equivalent and the other is in some sort of blue collar profession.  Surprisingly, I could not think of even one couple that matches that description.  I know plenty of couples where one person is highly qualified (with PhD's and such) and their partner has a more modest office job (but still involved in the financial sector in some capacity) or retail job (usually a high end store).  I also know plenty of couples where one person is in mid level office management (white collar) and the partner is in a blue collar trade (such as auto repair, landscaping etc.). 

However, it surprised me that I do not know of a single couple where a very accomplished, qualified professional (doctor, lawyer, investment banker type) is married to someone in a blue collar trade.  Does this mean that most "professional" men and women, either deliberately or subconsciously, seek out partners with comparable educational qualifications/professions?

What are your thoughts on this?

The Engagement Ultimatum

Last week, I received an interesting email from one of my readers. Here is the gist of what it said:

“Dear Syerah,

I love your blogs especially all the recent ones after you got engaged. You and steve make a great couple. Congratulations and best of luck. 

I also want to share something very personal with you. After reading about your whirlwind romance with Steve, it forced me to re-examine my own relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for like 8 months now. Although things are very good, I want to know why he still hasn’t asked me to marry him. I wanted to be patient and not pressure him but if people (like you) can make up your mind in ten weeks then I want to know why after 8 months he still needs more time. So I decided to have a frank chat with him.  Basically, I told him either we're going to make some progress in this relationship, or you're kind of wasting my time, and you're keeping me from someone who does want to make a commitment. He was very taken aback by my directness but he also realized how important this is to me. I have pretty much given him an ultimatum and the good news is that he’s now seriously discussing this (and us) with his family. So hopefully, I will soon get the proposal. If I don’t, I feel good that I have taken some control about my life and will move on”.

Well, well! What do you say to that! Can you really put a deadline on love? Are ultimatums effective? Let's talk about it.

In my view, whether you’re a man or a woman, you need to be sure that you are giving your ultimatum for the right reasons. You need to feel and be sure that the person you’re with truly loves you, is committed to the relationship but just needs that nudge to manifest that commitment into a marriage.

Some people actually need that as an impetus to move forward with their lives. If that's the circumstance, I think that an ultimatum can be a force in making it happen. And if he says no, then he's not the right person for you anyway. 

Also, you cannot use the ultimatum if you yourself are still unsure about the relationship. The act of the ultimatum assumes the person giving the ultimatum has already given serious thought to the relationship, its future and genuinely wants to move forward with that commitment.

Of course, how you convey that ultimatum is also very important. It has to be done sensitively but with honesty. You can’t exactly say, “marry me or else….”. No one appreciates having a gun put to their head. However, there is nothing wrong with stating your expectations (and you can do this as early as within your first few dates) that you are looking to get married (or start a family within a few years, if that is the case). If you have been dating for a few months or years and for all intents and purposes are a couple, then there is no harm in asking “when do you see us getting married?” and having a candid discussion around that subject. That discussion is really the ultimatum because that is when you convey to your partner that you really expect to be engaged in the next however many months. 

In my view, when it’s done with compassion and honesty, the “ultimatum” actually is no more than the first of many sincere communications between you and your partner.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Can a thousand words replace a picture?

So my last two entries on the anatomy of an effective profile and Profile Makeovers prompted a lot of interest. I received over two dozen emails from readers sending me their profiles and asking for my comments.  First of all, thank you very much for trusting me with your profiles.  I promise to respond to all your emails within the next few days. Most of you have also asked that I not share your profiles (and my revisions thereto) on this blog and I will respect your wishes.

I do want to address one issue that appeared in most of your emails: Is a photo really necessary?

Like with most things, there isn't a universal answer to that question.  Here are some of my thoughts on this issue:

Ask yourself why you don't want to put up your photo. 

I fear that someone will see me online, recognize me and make judgments about me (that I am desperate etc.) because I am online on a dating site.

In this case, I would suggest you immediately dismiss the stigma and taboo associated with having a profile on a dating site.  As a single person, it's an absolute asset if your friends, well wishers and contacts know that you are on an online dating site.  You would only be ashamed of this fact if your profile actually said something about you that you are not otherwise revealing to your "real life" contacts. 

In my case (and in Steve's case, I bet), our online profiles were a genuine and accurate reflection of our offline personalities. So, if someone who knew me stumbled upon it, my profile would only reveal to them something they already know about me!  In my experience, it's usually persons that make misrepresentations (when you're lying about your age, marital status etc.) or are still clinging to photos of themselves that they know look nothing like they do, that are reluctant to put up photos and use the "I fear that people will recognize me" line.

I am a respected professional and very well- known in the community.  I cannot afford to have my clients, students, constituents, fans (etc.) know that I am online on a dating site.

In all my years on various online dating site, I have seen profiles of lawyers, doctors, philanthropists, musicians, artists, scientists, actors, professors, police officers, models, judges, and politicians.  Trust me.  If you're comfortable with everything I've said in my comments to Excuse 1 above then your public persona should not be a deterrent to putting up a picture.

That said, if you feel very strongly about the privacy then I would suggest you upload photos but make them private and state your reasons for doing so in your profile.  This way, anyone reading your profile knows that you're comfortable sharing your photos but you just want to be discerning about who gets to see them.  Nothing wrong with that.  Also, if you happen to message someone that already has a photo posted in their profile it is common ettiquete and courtesy to include access to your photos as soon as you initiate contact.  Do NOT wait for that person to ask you for your photos. That's just bad taste.

It is usually easier for me to charm/impress someone with my words first.  I worry that if they see my photo right away then they will just dismiss me and not even give me a chance or try and get to know the wonderful person that is behind that photo.

This is a common anxiety.  We are all our harshest critics and so we tend to think that our photos don't quite do us justice.  My advice would be that you really need to be comfortable in your own skin and that means being comfortable with your photos as well.  You don't need to put up a whole gallery but having just one photo can make all the difference.  If you don't have a good one, find a friend and have them take a few dozen of you until you have one you are comfortable with.

Lastly, if you set off on the process thinking that potential candidates will liekely reject you based on your photo then, my friend, that is exactly what will happen as you will have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Instead, let your personality shine through your words.  Let the content of your profile radiate so much light on your personality that your photo (as critical as you might be of it) will be a very small part of the attraction equation.  And, if the photo does become a deal breaker for someone (and that can happen as visuals are very important) then don't worry.  C'est la vie.  After all, there's plenty more fish in the sea ;)

Good luck to all in your search!

Profile Makeovers!

Last week, I shared some of my theories on what makes an effective profile.  That post generated a lot of interest from my readers and I received many emails and profiles. I have selected two profiles that I think can be revised and made more effective.

Profile Makeovers

Profile 1 (male, 37):   I truly try to live every moment to the fullest... The hear and now. I'm looking for someone to share my life not fill any void. My life is simple but sweet and this really sums up what I need from partner.

Sy's Comments: Quite frankly, this is a terrible profile.  It uses a lot of words but says nothing at all.  The spelling error (should be "here and now" and not "hear and now") is a big drawback.  Instead of saying, "I truly live every moment to the fullest", why not give an example of something you've done (taken a rock climbing class, cooked something exotic, took a trip, see foreign films) to show HOW you're living your life to the fullest. 

Same comment for statements like, "My life is simple and sweet".  That tells me nothing.  Simple and sweet are very subjective claims.  Instead why not say something like, "I would rather go bowling with friends than escort someone who is wrapped in tissue and taffetta".

Last word: You really need to have more than just three sentences on your profile.  I would suggest at least a couple of decent sized paragraphs or a series of small paras.

Profile 2 (Female, 27)  Looking for sensitive, caring, romantic, intelligent man, starting with friendship which might lead to a good companionship. I love kids and animals, love to cook and bake different cuisine, like to watch movies and theatre, simply love reading. Travelling is a passion and would like to see the world ;). I have travelled in India, Bhutan, Nepal, Italy, Canada and USA. And going for my vacation to India and England this year.

Write to me and we will take it from there.

Sy's Comments: Last time I checked, I didn't find a single woman looking for anyone that is insensitive, uncaring, unromantic or dumb!  So why even bother stating the obvious?  Instead, demonstrate your own caring nature and your own intelligence using examples.  If you love kids, tell us where you interact with them.  Something like, "I dressed up as Dora the Explorer for my nephew's birthday party" or "I know all the shows on Family Channel" or even "I overcame my fear of heights after spending a day at Canada's Wonderland with my nieces" shows your love for kids a lot better than you just saying it.  Same with your love for animals or cooking or books.  Steer away from general statements and instead embellish your profile with visual examples.  "My rotis are delicious even if they're not round"  or "I'm probably the small minority that PVR's shows on the Food Network" is a more effective way to show your love for cooking.  Talk about what you're reading these days or the genre of books that appeal to you.  Again, be specific!

Last word:  Giving lots of personal examples not only gives the reader a better insight into your personality but also makes it easier for them to open a conversation with you on something that is common between you both. 

Profile 3 (Male, 28) The days of throwing eggs at unsuspecting pedestrians from the balcony have now past... instead, I now prefer being served them at brunch on a great patio in the city. If you're open minded, liberal, enjoy soccer, tennis, biking, sailing, exploring the city, films, lounges, traveling to Amsterdam or London for a weekend - we'll have plenty to chat about... 

Sy's comments:  I like this profile.  It's a bit short for my liking but it still tells me that the person has a young, playful side to him, enjoys dining out, is physically active and is probably spontaneous enough to travel on short notice.

Last word:  Although I would have liked some more information about his career and life goals, this succinct profile still conveys enough detail to invite someone to initiate contact.  Brevity can work!

And, lastly, after I posted my own profile last week, some of you wrote to me asking to see Steve's profile because you were curious to know what kind of profile "got my attention" :)  Well, I checked with Steve and he gave me his consent to publish his profile.  Here it is:

Previously enjoyed with good motor, tires and low mileage... passed the emissions test, a great deal on a British Classic for a discerning buyer!

My profile will tell you the basics, so here are some of my random thoughts to help you get to know me a little better...

I think life is for living, people should be kinder to each other than they are. I think 'reality' tv is anything but reality, but great entertainment.

I want to know why there is only ONE monopolies commission!

I think that Music is as important as good coffee, fine wine and great food. I couldn't live without any of them.

I played guitar in a rock band in the UK in my younger days and still occasionally pick up a guitar for my own amusement.

I believe that most people are basically decent deep-down. I tend to trust people on face value hoping they don't prove me wrong!

I have no time for liars, prima donnas, egomaniacs, cheats, bigots, racists or homophobes.

I believe if you don't have anything good to say about somebody, you should say nothing.

I believe that people who say 'Money isn't important' would lie about other things too!

I like the finer things in life, and work hard to be able to have them, but am not obsessed with 'success', whatever that might be.

I think the true meaning of success is to be liked and/or loved by many people for different reasons, and to 'leave the woodpile a little higher than how you found it' in life.

I live in Oakville and own an apartment in Burlington, which I rent out, but am looking to buy a house in the country with land (5 acres or more, surrounded by trees with a long driveway and a wood burning fire - know anyone selling such a place??!!) in the next year or two and I plan to move there permanently at that time, looking in the Caledon/Erin area.

I love golf - but I'm not good at it. I couldn't cope if I lost my iPod! I love fast cars and motorcycles. Recently bought a Harley Davidson, and just love it to death!

I'm a smart guy with an education and my own business, home and car and have all my own hair and teeth!

I am financially independent & responsible, kind, considerate, affectionate, generous, fun-loving regular type of guy. I like shopping and window shopping, but one can only have so many windows, right?

I have a sharp wit and love to laugh – laughter is the best medicine, even if it’s at myself (as it often is).

I believe that the glass is ALWAYS half-full! I am one of the few people who actually look like their passport photo!

So that's a little insight into my warped mind. I think I had better start a new paragraph...

There, done it!

I live with passion, and believe that those who don't are missing out big time. I have a childish wonder for new experiences.

Pet Peeves? People who insist on talking on their cell phones too loud in public places (especially in lineups). People who chew with their mouth open and sound like a camel when they eat! Bad breath and poor personal hygiene. Untidy homes and untidy people (I'm a bit of a neat freak).

You will also be a passionate person, a little silly, a little serious, depending on the situation. You will love to travel (as I travel a lot, for both business and pleasure) and enjoy good food, good conversation and interesting people from all walks of life.

You'll live like there's no tomorrow, love like there's nobody else, sing as if there's nobody listening, eat an icecream cone from the bottom up, and be looking for someone to share life with in every regard, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Like me, you'll be looking for the 'Butterfly Effect' if you know what I mean.

You'll love dogs (I have two) and other pets, but like me, probably couldn't eat a whole one - not in one sitting anyway!

So, that's my ten cents worth. What's yours?

You can see why I wanted to meet him soon after reading his profile.  Just from reading each other's profiles we knew we had enough in common to hazard a real meeting.  The rest, as you all know, is history!!  We're now busy planning our wedding!! :)

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